When it comes to parenting, I’ve always preferred to follow my instincts rather than adhere to a strict philosophy. This has led me to co-sleep and breastfeed for an extended period because it felt right for my family. Yet, I also allowed my kids excessive screen time, vaccinated them without much deliberation, and have been more lenient with junk food than I’d like to admit. In essence, my motto is balance and flexibility.
In terms of discipline, I’ve experimented with various methods—sticker charts, allowances, yelling or not yelling, and taking away privileges. My goal is to find what resonates with each child, hoping I’m navigating this parenting journey without causing too much damage. However, one approach I’ve consistently avoided in our household is time-outs. My instincts tell me that isolating a child who is already feeling emotional or distressed is both unnecessary and unkind.
It’s important to acknowledge that time-outs are a prevalent form of discipline. Many parents swear by them, asserting that they are effective. You might be thinking, “We’ve been using time-outs for years without issue.” Or perhaps you find my perspective frustrating. You may even argue that time-outs are among the gentler forms of discipline and that they work wonders for most children. I get it.
To clarify, I’m not against the idea of separation when necessary. If a child poses a danger to themselves or others, immediate removal from the situation is crucial. Likewise, there are times when a parent simply needs to step away to avoid losing their temper or to collect their thoughts. We’ve all been there.
However, when a child is misbehaving in a non-threatening way—acting out, being sassy, or simply testing boundaries—time-outs communicate the wrong message. Misbehavior often signals that a child is struggling and needs support. Isolating them only furthers their sense of disconnection from the very people who could help them overcome their emotional distress.
Dr. Lisa Hargrove, a developmental psychologist, and her colleague, Dr. Mark Thompson, succinctly express the issue with time-outs in an interview. They state, “Even when delivered in a loving manner, time-outs can make children feel rejected when they are already grappling with difficult emotions. This teaches them that they will be left alone when they need support the most.” This dynamic can breed a sense of shame, as children often misinterpret the situation as a lack of parental love or acceptance.
It’s vital for parents to convey that certain behaviors are unacceptable while ensuring children understand that it’s their actions, not their worth, that we reject. Children often struggle to distinguish between the two, which complicates their emotional responses. Research shows that feelings of rejection can be as intense as physical pain for a child. When parents opt for isolation, a fundamental psychological need for connection goes unmet.
Moreover, time-outs may not yield the long-term benefits parents hope for. Contrary to the belief that they promote reflection and calmness, they often exacerbate anger and dysregulation, leaving children even less equipped to process their actions.
What Should Be Done Instead?
Experts suggest a “time-in” approach, where parents engage with their children to talk, reflect, and help them calm down. While I appreciate the concept of time-ins, I recognize they might not always be effective. During particularly tumultuous moments, my child may resist any attempt at discussion, making it necessary to explore alternative strategies for addressing disruptive behavior.
In those cases, I focus on removing privileges—like screen time or planned activities—while maintaining respect for their emotions and avoiding any threatening tone. The goal is to make it clear that I am there for them and that their missteps don’t define their character.
Ultimately, any disciplinary method must be delivered in a manner that communicates unconditional love and support. The lessons we teach should be positive and constructive. While some may argue that time-outs can be executed kindly, if they lead to feelings of shame or guilt, it may be time to reconsider their use.
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In summary, while time-outs may seem like a straightforward solution to misbehavior, they often lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection. Instead, fostering open communication and connection through alternative methods can provide a more supportive environment for children to learn and grow.