Thanksgiving was always a special time for my partner, Jake. He delighted in hosting family gatherings, filling our home with laughter and warmth. More than anything, he cherished the end of the evening when he could relax without worrying about the drive home. (Just kidding—sort of). The first Thanksgiving we celebrated in what we envisioned as our forever home, he took great joy in carving the turkey at the head of the table, living his dream with a family gathered around, and a dining table that had no empty seats.
Tragically, Jake’s life was cut short by cancer before he could host another Thanksgiving. The first holiday without him felt surreal. My sister hosted that year, and all I remember is the profound emptiness at the table and the chair that should have been his—sitting vacant.
Since then, that empty chair has become a symbol at our Thanksgiving gatherings. (I mean that more metaphorically than literally, just to clarify). Fast forward to this year—I’m in a serious relationship with someone new. The emotions tied to this development are complex. Navigating the dating world as a widow is no easy task, often filled with guilt and grief, but thankfully, hope and joy also find their way in. As family holidays approach, the complexities only deepen.
This Thanksgiving, my sister-in-law, Jake’s sister, is hosting, and she’s invited my boyfriend, Mark, who has been in my life for a year and a half. If he’s not working, this will be his first holiday with my late husband’s family. So, this year, we’ll have both an empty chair and an extra chair at the table.
I can’t predict how this will unfold—for me, my kids, my boyfriend, or Jake’s family, who have welcomed me warmly into their fold. I anticipate there will be challenging moments for everyone involved. Balancing the space for Jake while also making room for Mark requires a strength that often goes unrecognized. My in-laws demonstrate that strength repeatedly, sharing stories about Jake while listening to their grandchildren recount amusing anecdotes about Mark—a man in their lives because their son is no longer there. Despite their fondness for Mark, he inevitably serves as a living reminder of their profound loss. Yet, they’re open to the idea of welcoming someone new to the table.
My children are remarkable at navigating this territory. Their ability to honor the past while anticipating the future sets an impressive standard. They effortlessly weave together stories of their dad with those of my boyfriend, discussing what was while eagerly asking about what lies ahead. They’ve grown to appreciate Mark and often wonder aloud whether their dad would have liked him too. I tell them I believe he would, and I truly do. After all, Mark also strives to honor the empty chair at our table.
Creating space for my boyfriend while simultaneously holding onto the memories of Jake is a continuous journey. It’s a delicate balance when feelings of guilt, grief, hope, and joy intertwine. Integrating Jake’s memories into my new relationship while respecting Mark’s need for our bond to develop organically requires effort and sensitivity. Sometimes, it feels like being wedged between two worlds, akin to the cramped middle seat on a small airplane. If I were the only one responsible for accommodating the extra chair while preserving the significance of the empty chair, I would feel overwhelmed.
Fortunately, I’m not alone. I have in-laws who choose to embrace my happiness, children who are learning to thrive despite loss, and a boyfriend who confidently pulls up a chair to our Thanksgiving gathering. He understands that if I take a moment to breathe, I can see the space between the empty chair and the extra chair as a reminder to be present. That’s all any of us can do when faced with the dual realities of an empty chair and an extra chair, both during the holidays and beyond.
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