If you have a friend (or perhaps you’re that friend) who can’t stop talking about their Peloton, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, the rest of us are not exactly eager to hear all about it. While we genuinely celebrate our Peloton-enthusiast friends who hit personal records, outpaced Marjorie from New Jersey, received a shoutout from their favorite instructor, or completed their 100th ride, we secretly wish they had someone else to share their excitement with.
Enter Jimmy Kimmel’s “Teloton,” a fictional phone service designed for those who want to boast about their biking achievements to someone who’s paid to listen. Kimmel and his team at Jimmy Kimmel Live crafted a humorous sketch titled “Teloton – Because You Won’t Shut Up About Your Bike.” In this sketch, one rider gets to brag about everything from his impressive quad muscles to sweating from his elbows, sharing his latest personal bests and other Peloton-related triumphs, even overwhelming the Teloton operator.
The Teloton listener starts off congratulating “Jake” on his accomplishments, sparing those around him from feigning enthusiasm. She seems to genuinely acknowledge his achievement of burning 400 calories in 20 minutes, but that sincerity quickly fades because—let’s be honest—no one really cares about these workouts. As Jake continues to ramble, the operator starts responding with “Yeah, you’ve mentioned that,” while casually munching at her desk, clearly uninterested.
When Jake tries to list his top 12 instructors “not in alphabetical order,” she finally can’t take it anymore. “No. Enough of this,” the Teloton woman exclaims, removing her headset and bumping into Jake. She shoves him off the bike, declaring, “No one cares about your dumb bike,” making it relatable for anyone who’s endured similar monologues.
Kimmel pointed out that Peloton sales surged by 172% since the onset of the pandemic, providing a way for many to bring the gym experience home. While this shift has been beneficial for mental and physical health, incessant details about workouts (or the latest diet, or an MLM) can be draining for others.
It’s unfortunate that this concept remains a fictional sketch rather than a real service—many of us would gladly outsource some of these conversations to it. For more amusing and insightful content, check out our other post on home insemination.