The key lies in recognizing and understanding anger rather than simply suppressing it.
By Alex Morgan | Updated: Feb. 20, 2024 | Originally Published: April 26, 2022
Many of us grew up believing that anger is a harsh and unsightly emotion—one that should not be shown publicly, especially for women who wished to be taken seriously. Expressing anger could lead to being dismissed or silenced. Additionally, there’s a notion that anger is a secondary emotion, stemming from more primary feelings like fear, sadness, or embarrassment. While that can be true, telling someone to ignore their anger and focus on the underlying issues often isn’t effective. Anyone who has calmly told an upset toddler to “calm down” knows this all too well.
What if there was a method to acknowledge and respect someone’s anger while guiding them toward understanding its root cause? Enter parent and TikTok creator, Ava James, who has discovered a straightforward phrase that validates anger while promoting resolution. “I found a phrase that helps my son express his anger,” Ava shares in a TikTok video that has amassed nearly 5 million views. “I want to teach him that anger isn’t necessarily a bad feeling,” she explains. Reflecting on her childhood experiences, Ava adds, “I grew up thinking anger was wrong. I was labeled as the troublemaker, and I refuse to let that narrative continue with my son.”
Ava notes that while this isn’t her typical approach when her son is extremely upset, it has proven effective when she notices his anger escalating, such as when he is slamming doors or rolling his eyes. She crouches down to his level and speaks in a gentle yet firm tone, asking, “What is your anger trying to tell you?”
“What I aim to teach him is that our anger signals that something isn’t right, a boundary has been crossed, or a need is unmet.” Although expressing a need doesn’t guarantee it will be fulfilled, Ava emphasizes that we are more likely to have our needs met if we can articulate them rather than explode in anger.
This parenting strategy aligns with neuroscience as well. Anger activates the amygdala, the brain’s emotional center tied to fear and the fight-or-flight response. In contrast, the prefrontal cortex is involved in reasoning and judgment. By asking, “What is your anger trying to tell you?” we engage the prefrontal cortex, allowing for a rational approach to addressing the source of anger. This lesson can be just as beneficial for adults as it is for children.
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In summary, validating a child’s anger while guiding them to understand its source can foster healthier emotional expression and communication.