Updated: November 18, 2020
Originally Published: April 27, 2015
There’s a common belief in relationships that if we don’t reward undesirable behavior—like giving in to a toddler’s tantrum or feigning satisfaction with a less-than-stellar partner—the behavior will eventually change. This notion often comforts us during younger years, especially when we’re new to relationships and eager to avoid the pitfalls of disappointing long-term commitments. We convince ourselves that with the right incentives and boundaries, we can fix all the chaos and make life run smoothly.
But that’s simply not true. Some partners lack skill in bed, some in-laws are relentless in their guilt trips, and toddlers will continue to throw fits. While there are valid reasons for not indulging these behaviors, the idea that we can fundamentally change someone is misleading.
Perhaps we cling to this myth to distract ourselves from our own shortcomings. For instance, in elementary school, I often forgot to take home signed permission slips, missing out on school trips. I would think, “Next time will be different,” as I sat in class, but I recently unearthed a stack of thank-you notes that I had written, addressed, and stamped but never sent out five years ago.
Here’s an A to Z rundown of some of my persistent challenges that have resisted improvement, despite numerous attempts and a fair share of embarrassing outcomes:
- Anything to do with a calendar
- Birthday gifts—buying and sending
- Conferences, such as Parent/Teacher meetings, especially in 8th grade
- Doctor’s appointments—making and keeping
- Every team sport involving a ball
- Fall jackets
- Grocery lists—writing and adhering to them
- Haircare—keeping up with maintenance
- Insurance companies—interacting with
- Just making an appointment without significant stress
- Kids’ extracurricular activities—managing schedules
- Long grain rice—cooking without burning (yes, even in a rice cooker)
- Moisturizing on a regular basis
- Not spilling things
- Oral instructions—giving and following them
- Periods—anticipating when they’ll arrive
- Quick name recall
- Routines—sticking to them or adjusting
- Shoes—actually wearing them (I once arrived at my parents’ house, only to realize I was barefoot when dropped off in Manhattan at 8:30 a.m. on a Tuesday, with my child and overnight bag)
- Turning off utilities before leaving
- Umbrella—remembering to take one and bring it back
- Voicemail—keeping track of messages
- Weather—checking before heading out
- Tax forms. The night before closing on our home, the term “Real Estate Transfer Tax” crossed my mind. Where would it be? It seemed crucial. After a frantic search of our house, I was about to confess to my husband that we couldn’t proceed with closing. Then, a flash of insight! I found my prenatal teaching bag under the bed, complete with a resin pelvis, knit uterus, and yes, the elusive tax form.
- Yesterday’s emails marked as “read”—remembering they exist
- Zzzz (any sort of meeting)
No one excels at everything, regardless of effort or the right blend of motivation and discipline. We all know this, but perhaps true adulthood is about acknowledging these flaws without letting them define our overall competence. In my younger years, I thought being in my forties meant having it all together. Now I see that my life might just not include keeping track of paperwork, umbrellas, or many other things.
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