Before entering the world of parenthood, my visions of motherhood were filled with blissful moments. As I navigated through fertility treatments and acupuncture, I imagined tender early morning cuddles with my little one. I envisioned peaceful Saturday mornings spent watching cartoons, followed by soccer games and splashing around in the pool. I dreamed of school plays, back-to-school shopping sprees, and having a tiny companion to share movie outings.
Then reality hit—I welcomed not just one, but two incredible children into my life. They were the best of friends until our youngest turned two, and that’s when the chaos began. The hair-pulling, toy-stealing, rolling-on-the-floor wrestling matches made it nearly impossible to find even three minutes of peaceful playtime. Yes, they love each other, but my days of being “just a mom” are long gone. I now have a new title: referee, and my daily conversations are filled with phrases I never thought I would utter.
For instance…
“Stop licking your brother!” – Seriously? Licking? It’s gross. I feel nauseous every time I see their tongues inching toward one another. It’s like that moment in slow motion when a character sees their crush in a movie.
“Please, don’t eat the sunscreen.” – Who thought foam could resemble whipped cream? Note to self: buy the spray kind next time.
“Let go of my shirt!” – Our two-year-old stopped nursing a year ago, but her obsession with shirts remains. In new places, she clings to me and often pulls my shirt down, exposing my bra—and once, my entire breast. So now, high-neck t-shirts are a must.
“Stop decorating your nightstand with boogers!” – It’s not just a few; there’s a whole booger shrine on one side. At least she doesn’t eat them anymore, right?
“Poop is NOT a food group.” – It’s the summer of potty talk. Every day. What do you want for lunch? “Poop!” What kind of muffins should we bake? “Poopy muffins!” What flavor cake for Daddy? “Poop.” Cue the giggles.
“No, I will NOT cook your butt and eat it.” – When I ask them not to mention poop at dinner, they respond with a desire to eat their butts—after cooking them. Why is butt humor so amusing?
“Who put the remote in the toilet?” – Does your toddler do this? Mine is obsessed with the remote. The Fisher Price toy just doesn’t cut it. I’ve found the real remote in the toy box, hat boxes, and recently, the toilet.
“You may not dance naked. Please return to the dinner table.” – I never thought I’d worry about my child dancing on her bed like it’s a pole. But here we are, in a phase of shedding clothes and shaking booties. At least she asked for permission, right? This has to be temporary.
“You can poop in your pants if you want… but just please go!” – Our toddler holds in #2 for days. Is this a common issue?
“Your body is not a toy!” – Yes, I couldn’t believe I had to say this, either. Bath time led to some unexpected explorations… enough said.
Ah, the delightful sounds of parenthood.