Recently, well-known entrepreneur and mother of three, Lila Jensen, mentioned that she feels like a single mom whenever her husband is away for business trips. This remark elicited eye-rolls from actual single mothers everywhere.
As a true single mom (without a partner who’s simply on a work trip), I wasn’t upset by Lila’s comments, but rather disappointed that this mindset persists among partnered moms. It’s not just Lila; many mothers with partners often say similar things.
So, to all the partnered moms out there: you’re not single moms. Please refrain from comparing your experiences to ours. When your partner is away for the weekend or has late work hours, it doesn’t allow you to romanticize the challenges we face. You simply can’t grasp what it means to be the sole provider for your child’s needs around the clock.
I’ve been navigating life as a single mom since my son was just three months old; he’s now four. I remember when he was a newborn, and I mistakenly thought I felt like a single parent because my partner worked long hours. But now that I truly am a single parent, I wish I could go back and tell my former self to quiet down.
Being a single parent means taking on full responsibility for everything: paying bills, caring for your child, ensuring your own well-being, maintaining a livable home, keeping the fridge stocked, managing childcare, and sticking to a budget. All of this falls on your shoulders without any respite. Moms with partners who claim they feel like single moms don’t comprehend the long-term stress of these responsibilities.
Sure, you may handle everything solo for a spell, but you know it’s temporary. Your partner might be away for a while, but they still contribute financially and offer emotional support. You can anticipate their return, knowing that your solo parenting phase is finite, even if it’s challenging.
In Lila’s interview, she not only claimed her “single mom” title but also revealed that she has a nanny and help from her mother-in-law. Most single mothers, nearly all of us, lack such a support system. While it’s great that Lila can afford help, this is not the reality for the majority of us, who are often figuring out how to afford essentials while putting food on the table.
Those with co-parents don’t experience the relentless weeks, months, and years of trying to get everything done in a mere 24 hours. Single moms truly need more hours in the day. You don’t know what it’s like to have absolutely no help indefinitely.
Before you start with, “We don’t have anyone nearby to assist when my partner’s away!” just pause. Your time alone is temporary. Your partner will return to support you again.
I was fortunate to live with my parents for a while, and they helped me during tough times, as many grandparents do. However, they have busy lives and commitments; they weren’t my child’s daycare providers. I didn’t want to burden them with my responsibilities. This is a concern for single moms: not wanting to feel like a burden. We learn to be self-sufficient, shouldering our burdens quietly.
You partnered moms don’t know the sleepless nights spent worrying if your child feels they’re missing something because they don’t have a dad around. You don’t know what it’s like to look at your sleeping child, hoping they understand that everything you do is for them, praying that they see you as a good mom even when you doubt it.
You don’t know the strength it takes to always be the strong one because there’s no one to lean on. The silent tears shed in the middle of the night from sheer exhaustion of carrying the weight of responsibilities alone. When your child pushes you to your limits, you bear the full force of their emotions. You’ll never hear your child hug you while you cry and promise that together you’ll weather the storm—something no child should have to say to their mother.
You don’t experience those lonely nights wondering if someone will ever love both you and your child the way you both deserve.
Moms with partners know that their loved ones will return, providing emotional support. You have someone to love you, and your children have someone who loves them. You won’t encounter the pitying looks or sympathetic tilts of the head from well-meaning women who have partners.
While you may step into our shoes temporarily, you eventually take them off. Your experience as a temporary solo parent is limited, and you can return to your regular life. You can take time for yourself when your partner is back, go on girls’ trips, and enjoy weekends away. And you might turn to the single mom you know and say with a dramatic sigh, “I don’t know how you manage it all the time!” To which she’ll shrug and say, “I have to. Who else will do it?”
So, before you declare your temporary single mom status, consider this question: “Who else is going to do it for me?” The answer is no one. That’s the crux of why you aren’t a single mom; you’re merely parenting solo for a time. There’s a distinction.
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In summary, while partnered moms may occasionally find themselves handling responsibilities alone, their situation is temporary and vastly different from the ongoing struggles faced by single moms. The emotional and logistical burdens that single mothers endure are profound and cannot be compared to temporary solo parenting.