About four months prior, I experienced a significant breakdown at work, leading to my early dismissal. I am employed by a Division I athletics program, where I manage summer bridge initiatives for incoming student athletes. These programs are designed to help ease the transition from high school to college and demand intense, around-the-clock commitment. Just as one program wrapped up, I was tasked with preparing for the upcoming fall semester. Somewhere in that hectic shuffle, I hit a wall.
I entered my supervisor’s office and confessed that I was at my limit. Historically, I have been the “yes” man, believing that hard work was the antidote to any problem. This approach had served me well in the past, but in that moment, it became apparent that I had exceeded my emotional capacity.
My supervisor, a genuinely compassionate person, encouraged me to take a break. It was clear she wasn’t suggesting I was in danger of losing my job; her concern was evident.
When my partner, Anna, arrived home, she found me curled up in bed. As the primary breadwinner for our three children, I felt the weight of responsibility pressing down on me. Anna works part-time at our kids’ school while I hold a full-time position at the university and write on the side. I won’t claim my stress is greater than hers; rather, I recognize that we each face our own challenges. I’m constantly amazed by Anna’s ability to juggle everything, and I strive to support her whenever possible.
However, when Anna walked into our room, I nearly broke down. This is significant because I’m typically not one to show such vulnerability. In fact, I didn’t shed a tear when my father passed away; it was as if the grief was lodged somewhere deep within me. But in that moment, I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure. I felt anxious and depressed, acutely aware that my family depended on me. The pressure to provide, instilled in me since childhood, was now causing me to feel trapped between the need to keep going and the realization that I was struggling to find the strength to do so.
The stress of being a full-time working father caught up with me. The thought of returning to work the next day felt akin to walking into a fire, while the idea of letting down my beloved wife and children filled me with despair. I was caught in a downward spiral.
Anna gently probed for the cause of my distress. “Did you lose your job?” she asked. “No,” I replied. “It’s more complicated than that.” I then asked her to hold me. She climbed in beside me, and we stayed that way for a while as I gathered my thoughts.
Eventually, I opened up about my work-related stress and the expectations overwhelming me. I felt weak and ashamed, questioning why I couldn’t handle it better. As a father and a husband, I believed I should be able to juggle work and family without faltering. Yet, in that vulnerable state, I wasn’t sure I could.
We discussed what our life would look like should I lose my job and I made an appointment with a therapist, leading to several sessions and lifestyle adjustments.
Recently, I discovered that 30.6% of men will experience depression at some point in their lives, with suicide rates among American men being approximately four times higher than those for women, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. While women may attempt suicide more often, men are more likely to succeed.
As a man, I can honestly say the hardest aspect of navigating depression and anxiety is the admission itself. Acknowledging symptoms of stress and mental health issues, particularly in the context of work and family, is incredibly challenging. Despite the love I have for my family, fatherhood and marriage have presented some of the toughest trials of my life. It’s not that I can’t manage; I absolutely can. However, there will be moments of elevated stress, and without proper support, those moments can push even the most loving fathers to the brink.
Much of this struggle stems from the stigma surrounding mental health. Coupled with societal pressure to “man up,” many fathers find it even harder to express their feelings. While normalizing mental health discussions is essential for society, we must also focus on creating an environment where fathers feel safe to share their struggles and emotions. If we were there, I would have been more comfortable reaching out to Anna, my supervisor, or anyone who could have offered help long before I reached my breaking point.
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In summary, it’s critical that we foster open conversations about mental health among fathers. Sharing struggles, seeking help, and dismantling stigma can lead to healthier families and communities.