I’m not sure I can ever fully express the depth of my love for my children. If it were quantifiable, I would give you a number, but love is not something that can be easily measured. Many of us who were fortunate enough to experience love as children have simply spread our arms wide and exclaimed, “I love you this much!”
My son, Alex, is the sweetest little guy. In the midst of bedtime routines or while we’re cooking, he will pause to ensure we hear him say, “I love you, Dad!” or “Mom, you’re my favorite person in the world!” In response, I can only gasp, “Oh, Alex, I love you so much. You are truly amazing.”
I often wish that language could evolve to capture the intensity of what we feel as parents. The emotions we experience—joy, frustration, exhaustion, and elation—are all extreme. The moment I fell in love with my child was instantaneous, opening a channel of emotion I never knew existed, pouring out in every conceivable way.
It wasn’t until I became a parent that I truly understood the love I received as a child. Looking at my son, I felt a bond so profound that it seemed tangible, as if I could reach out and grasp it.
Then there’s my youngest, Noah. His curiosity is infectious. He often tries to outshine his older brother, which looks different in a younger sibling. His gaze is often on his brother, but it’s in his quiet moments that he captures my heart. When he snuggles close and shares his thoughts, his plans, and how much he loves his family, he builds bridges of connection one smile at a time. It’s pure magic.
However, along with this newfound love comes an equally intense fear. With the joy of parenthood also comes the awareness of potential tragedy. Suddenly, I found myself grappling with a new kind of anxiety—one that stems directly from my love for these boys. Now, I’m acutely aware that unimaginable things can happen.
In the beginning, this fear paralyzed my partner and me. No one prepares you for the haunting worries that come with parenthood. People gladly share tales of sleepless nights and the joys of newborns, but they seldom mention the dark imaginings that now lurk in the corners of your mind.
Before becoming a parent, I never feared my own mortality. But now, the thought of it strikes me, especially when I consider how it would impact my children. If my partner is even slightly under the weather, my thoughts spiral to darker places. If she’s late picking up the kids, I can’t help but envision horrific scenarios. I know it’s irrational, but these thoughts invade my mind.
Yet, just as quickly as these fears arise, they fade. I return to the mundane worries of whether to use the last of the carrots for dinner or if Noah will eat the broccoli.
I don’t have a word to encapsulate this whirlwind of joy, dread, and the everyday grind of parenting. It feels like a universal experience, one that remains elusive until you are consumed by love for your child. From that moment on, it becomes an unshakeable part of your life.
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In summary, the love for our children is an indescribable force that shapes our lives, bringing immense joy and an undercurrent of fear that comes with the territory. Parenthood is a journey filled with highs and lows, yet it is undeniably transformative.