Two years ago, our lives took an unexpected turn, plunging us into a whirlwind of emotions. I found out I was pregnant again, just under a year after welcoming our daughter, Lily. We were still wrapping our heads around the prospect of having two children under two when my OB called me in early July to confirm the positive test. She suspected I might be further along than originally thought and scheduled an ultrasound for the next day to establish an accurate due date.
My husband, Mark, was in Texas for work. When I informed him about the ultrasound, he offered to cut his trip short. However, after discussing it, we decided that it wasn’t necessary. A friend was coming over to look after Lily, and this was just a dating ultrasound. So, Mark stayed behind, and I went alone.
“Are you sure you’re prepared for this?” the ultrasound technician asked as I lay there, feeling vulnerable.
“Why? Is something wrong?” Panic surged through me. “There’s no heartbeat, is there?”
She gestured to the screen. “I see two.”
“Wait, two what?”
And then I saw it—two heartbeats, two sacs, two babies.
After what felt like a blur of information about twins and high-risk pregnancy plans, I began texting Mark frantically, urging him to call me right away.
His quick response: “I will. Is everything okay?”
Mine: “You tell me…”
When I got home, I vented to my best friend, surrounded by our three little ones. Just moments before, she had reassured me that managing two under two would be manageable. Now, I was grappling with the reality of having three children under eighteen months! How would we ever cope?
As the days progressed, we shared the news with family and a few close friends. Their excitement was infectious, and slowly, we began to feel optimistic. We could handle this, even if the reality was overwhelming.
Then, the day before Lily’s first birthday, I woke up to alarming bleeding. I had been warned that this could happen in a twin pregnancy, but when I reached out to the midwife, she asked me to come in immediately for a check-up.
Mark was home this time, but Lily was napping. We debated whether to wake her up to join me or if I should go alone. We ultimately decided there wasn’t time to find a sitter, so I went by myself again.
Driving home after the appointment, I was engulfed in a wave of grief. I had lost one of the twins. The doctors assured me that many pregnancies start with twins but don’t end that way, and there was no reason Baby A couldn’t be carried to term.
Yet, how does one process this? I felt sadness over the loss while still being very much pregnant. It was a contradiction that I still grapple with today. I think of my daughter, Ella, as a twin—one who simply didn’t have her twin with her. Would her sibling have been as lively or would having a close playmate have soothed her?
What would our family look like if both twins had made it? How would Lily adapt to being a big sister to twins?
The memory of Ella’s twin is forever linked to my experience of pregnancy. Each ultrasound measured Baby B until there was nothing left. After my first miscarriage, I felt a definitive end. But after losing Baby B, that baby remained a part of me, intertwined with my pregnancy, my experience, and my life.
I sought answers but found few resources for my unique experience—a pregnancy that included a loss but still left me pregnant. I knew others who had experienced twin losses, but few shared the same timeline.
When I shared my story in an online community, one woman reached out to me. She had also lost a twin at the end of the first trimester. Even after giving birth to new twins later, she revealed that the feelings of loss lingered, demonstrating that the impact of twin loss never truly fades.
As Ella grows older, we plan to tell her about her beginnings. It’s an integral part of her story—a missing piece of who she is.
We cherish our family of four and are not rushing to add another child, despite having once envisioned a family of five. However, even two years later, the loss remains with me, and I suspect it always will.
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Summary:
This narrative reflects the emotional journey of experiencing the loss of a twin during pregnancy while still carrying one healthy baby. It explores the complexities of grief, the impact on family dynamics, and the lingering feelings associated with the loss. The author shares her experiences and insights, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging and discussing such losses, as well as the lasting impressions they leave on families.