Before I became pregnant, I was certain that my partner and I would share every responsibility evenly. I envisioned breastfeeding some of the time while he handled bottle feeding. I would cook, and he would clean. We’d coordinate diaper changes and medical appointments together. Oh, how naive I was.
Although my partner is an incredible person, he couldn’t shield me from the overwhelming mental load that comes with motherhood. Not only did I discover that I wasn’t a bottomless source of breastmilk, but the intense emotional challenges of motherhood also made me reconsider my career choices.
I had no reason to doubt that we would be a balanced team. From the start of our relationship, we prided ourselves on splitting duties, sharing expenses, and supporting each other. However, during my pregnancy, it became clear that the demands of motherhood and fatherhood differ vastly. While we were embarking on this new chapter together, I was the one experiencing the physical changes, with my body adapting to create life.
This shift was challenging for both of us. We had always seen ourselves as equals, and he felt helpless not being able to fully grasp my experience. Meanwhile, I felt envious that he wasn’t facing the same struggles.
As motherhood turned our balanced partnership upside down, I realized just how much the dynamics had shifted. My partner adores our daughter, and she lights up when she sees him, while I often find myself having to work harder to elicit those smiles. He helps with feeding, bath time, and playing during tummy time, all while encouraging her to reach developmental milestones.
The COVID-19 pandemic added another layer of complexity. I was around 12 weeks pregnant when the world shut down in March 2020. At that time, I had every intention of returning to my role as Head of Marketing at an event venue after giving birth. However, the event industry faced unprecedented challenges, and my career took a significant hit. Temporary pay cuts turned into permanent part-time positions, leaving many families, including ours, grappling with the question: should I return to work after having a baby?
When I was offered a part-time position as Head of Marketing after my maternity leave, I ultimately decided against it. Marketing an event venue during social distancing and a global pandemic was even more overwhelming than dealing with a reduced household income.
Making that decision was incredibly difficult. Why would I give up a job in this current market when so many are struggling? Was I being irrational or even foolish? Balancing a part-time job, caring for a newborn, and searching for full-time work felt impossible.
One night, I lay in bed consumed by jealousy. My partner never had to question whether he would return to work post-baby. He didn’t have to struggle with his identity as both a father and a dedicated professional. He could embrace both roles without hesitation.
And that’s when the tears flowed. I cried for my career and the roadblocks it faced, both from the pandemic and my choice to become a mother. Now, as I cautiously navigate the job market, I still find myself longing for the professional identity I once had.
Should I switch to formula? Does that make me a bad mother? Why do I feel undervalued as a stay-at-home mom? What if my daughter stops needing me and turns to someone else for care? Will she even notice my reduced involvement? What if I miss her first big milestones? The list of “what ifs” and “how wills” is endless. As I rock her to sleep at night, I dream of reclaiming my identity as a strong professional, while reminding myself that more than exclusive breastmilk, my daughter needs a happy mom.
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