As we navigate the complexities of parenting, our household is hitting a challenging stage. My eldest child is now old enough to take on the expectations of a “big kid,” while my younger ones are still enjoying the benefits of being considered “too little” for significant responsibilities. This feels like a genuine phase in our lives, and I’m choosing to embrace it as such.
The other night, while I was tidying up after serving strawberries with a sprinkle of what I refer to as “magic dust” (a.k.a. Stevia), I found myself giving commands to my sons to clean up the pillow fort they had created between their beds.
“Can you please start cleaning up?” I asked.
This wasn’t an unusual request; if they made a mess, they needed to help clean it up. But on this particular evening, their responses ranged from “We don’t want to!” to “Will you help us?” and “We’ll use it again tomorrow!” My initial instinct was to respond with a firm “I don’t care!” but I paused, realizing I had made a crucial error.
I had unwittingly used the two words that my partner and I had previously agreed to eliminate from our parenting vocabulary: “Can you…”
By framing the request as a question, I inadvertently gave them an opportunity to say no, which they happily took. Usually, our approach is more directive:
“I need you to help clear the table, please.”
The replies often vary, but I follow up with, “Would you like to clear the plates or cups?” This method provides structure while still allowing them to feel some control over the situation.
Instead of asking, “Can you…” I now say, “You can…” and present them with a couple of options. This approach helps maintain their autonomy while reinforcing the boundaries we’ve set. While we still encounter resistance and some dramatic displays, we typically manage to work through them with less conflict.
Our children understand that we will only offer choices that align with their best interests, which builds trust that will be crucial as they enter those tricky teenage years. I don’t have any extensive studies backing this up, but I believe that if we empower our children to make safe choices early on, it will benefit them throughout their lives.
Of course, this empowerment must occur within a framework of unconditional love, support, and, of course, plenty of Lego building, but I think that goes without saying.
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In summary, by reframing our requests into choices, we create an environment where our children feel empowered yet still understand the importance of responsibility. This approach not only eases daily challenges but also lays a foundation for their future decision-making abilities.