The past six months have truly tested me. That’s the most fitting way to describe it. My relationship with my parents has always been one of love and deep appreciation. I would do anything within my means to support them.
In July, I shared my father’s health struggles. I instinctively stepped up, as I often do, to assist my family during this difficult time. However, it wasn’t until January of this year that I recognized I was failing to juggle my career, my children, my spouse, and my parents effectively. Self-care had slipped so far from my mind that I had nearly forgotten it existed.
I navigated through two long-term care applications for my father in Arizona—a process I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The sheer volume of paperwork, documentation, and follow-up felt like a full-time job. Both applications were denied. We initiated an appeal process, along with a third application that remains unresolved.
If you’ve ever had to make healthcare decisions for a loved one, you know it’s not just time-consuming; there’s a steep learning curve, and time is not on your side. Doubts creep in, both from you and your loved ones. You find yourself researching doctors, treatments, possible symptoms, and drug interactions. Your head spins with medical jargon you barely grasp, all while you reassure your loved one that they are receiving the best care.
Simultaneously, I was managing the goals and finances of several clients who depended on me to guide them through significant life changes. Yet, I found myself taking their calls in hospital hallways or alongside the freeway. I was distracted and unavailable, grateful for the professional support I had to care for my clients.
I was exhausted. My patience was dwindling, and I leaned heavily on my husband. My daughters were craving my attention, and I longed for quality time with my spouse.
In December, we took a much-needed break to visit family in Colorado—relationships that had been neglected because of my fear of being away for too long. I brought along my father’s care folder, my notebook, and my work computer, unable to disconnect from my responsibilities.
Then, my parents surprised me with unexpected news. When I checked in with my mom, she told me they had decided to bring my dad home from the care facility. Initially, I didn’t see this as a positive development; panic set in as I scrambled to find in-home care services, even reaching out to professionals during the holiday break for advice. My mind spiraled with all the potential outcomes, paralyzing me with worry.
Then, everything came to a halt. While at the gym one early morning, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My skin lacked its usual glow, and dark circles had formed under my eyes. I took a deep breath and began to reflect on what I wanted my children to learn from me.
That’s when I discovered my sense of calm. I recognized the distinction between being loving and supportive versus taking full control. My parents had a roof over their heads and food to eat. My kids, however, were still dependent on me. If I continued on my current path, I risked compromising their stability. I had checked out of my own life when I immersed myself in my parents’ challenges.
I started to breathe easier. I had an honest conversation with my mom, where I expressed my love for her and my regret over their struggles, but I also made it clear that I could no longer take the lead—I needed to shift to a supportive role. While I knew my mom might not fully grasp my intentions, I felt lighter and more fulfilled. I could sense her anxiety and knew she felt abandoned, but I assured her she wasn’t alone—she needed to take the reins.
As I returned to my office, guilt and disappointment washed over me. I realized my to-do list had become a list of things left undone. I had a backlog of clients who deserved my full attention, and I hadn’t been able to deliver it.
Three months later, despite believing we had worked through our feelings, there are still moments that leave me feeling sad, as my mom struggles with trusting my commitment to my dad’s care. I hope she knows I love her and that stepping back was essential for my well-being. While this family dynamic isn’t what any of us envisioned, the love we share is a success in itself.
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In summary, the journey of a mom in the sandwich generation can be overwhelming, filled with challenges in balancing familial responsibilities and personal well-being. Learning to step back and find a supportive role can be a gradual but necessary process for maintaining relationships and self-care.