“I can’t believe I gave my underwear to a nerd.”
~Inspired by a classic film, 1984
Note: I will refer to them as “underwear” throughout this piece.
The average woman is said to own around 21 pairs of underwear. I stumbled upon this fact online, and while we all know that everything on the Internet is gospel, I beg to differ. If we’re talking about the typical woman—especially one like myself who’s in her late 30s, has a penchant for chocolate chip cookies, and a closet that ranges from size 6 to 16—she probably has about 10 pairs of underwear that are actually wearable, with a staggering 497 representing the various stages of her adult life, never to be worn again.
A peek into a woman’s underwear drawer can reveal a great deal about her journey through life. How do I know this? Well, let’s just say I’m aware due to some unfortunate circumstances (and a silly agreement). But I digress, let’s delve into the story of a mom’s love life as narrated by the contents of her underwear drawer.
Phase 1: The Dating Scene
Underwear Status: Thong Central
Theme Song: “She had curves like a truck, truck, truck…”
When you first lay eyes on him across the restaurant, it’s all about those hands. Long fingers, smooth palms, and immaculate nails. You remember all the silly myths about men and their hands. He reaches for your hand, and as you lean in for a hug, your thong rides up, making you pray that this guy is worth the effort you put into your choice of undergarments. He’s charming, like a younger version of a famous actor, and the chemistry is palpable. When he finally gets to unhook your bra, you realize that some rumors have a kernel of truth.
Phase 2: Wedding Night Bliss
Underwear Status: Corset Madness
Theme Song: “It’s a beautiful day for a white wedding.”
Exhausted from the day’s festivities and the countless bobby pins in your hair, all you want is to collapse in sweatpants on this hotel bed. Your new husband is sprawled out, devouring the wedding cake, and you’re left feeling like a drowned rat in the bathroom mirror. The intricate white lingerie that looked stunning in the store now feels like a medieval torture device. Eventually, you exit the bathroom in a fluffy robe, and your husband’s eyes light up. Who needs lingerie when there’s cake to enjoy?
Phase 3: The Pregnancy Journey
Underwear Status: Maternity Essentials
Theme Song: “Having my baby, you’re a woman in love…”
As you navigate the challenges of pregnancy, the promises of blissful motherhood start to feel like an elaborate prank set by friends. Your intimate life becomes a series of strategic maneuvers, full of pillows and complicated logistics. You outline the plan over dinner, and hope your partner understands the new rules.
Phase 4: Postpartum Reality
Underwear Status: Mesh Marvels
Theme Song: “And it burns, burns, burns…”
In the weeks following childbirth, you find yourself in the most ridiculous gauzy underwear imaginable. It’s a strange mix of comfort and humiliation, and you’ve never felt more aware of personal space. You’re on a quest for a squirt bottle—your new best friend—and the last thing you want is anyone invading your bubble.
Phase 5: Embracing the MILF Era
Underwear Status: Feeling Fierce
Theme Song: “She’s a bad mama jama…”
With your confidence returning, you rediscover the joy of feeling attractive in leopard print bikinis. After a couple of drinks with your partner, the fun resumes, but the reality of another pregnancy test brings a moment of panic. Here we go again, back to Phase 3.
Phase 6: The Illusion of Control
Underwear Status: Spanx Struggles
Theme Song: “She’s a brick house…”
Remember when you could simply throw on a dress and some bikini underwear? Those days seem like a distant memory as shapewear becomes your new best friend—or worst enemy. The effort it takes to fit into those garments often keeps you from leaving the house; the thought of it is exhausting. And heaven forbid you try to impress your partner in this getup—he might just weep at the sight of those Spanx.
Sometimes, you contemplate a bonfire for all those old pairs, while other times you find solace in reminiscing about the past. Ah, the memories of thongs, wedding nights, and a time when you felt invincible.
This reflection on the evolution of a mother’s love life through her underwear drawer captures the essence of motherhood—filled with ups, downs, and everything in between.
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Summary:
This article humorously examines the various stages of a mother’s love life through the lens of her underwear drawer. From the excitement of dating to the challenges of motherhood, each phase is marked by a unique set of undergarments that symbolize her journey.