I’m not quite sure when it happened, but somewhere between the arrival of my first child and now, I transformed into a rather gross individual. It hit home recently when a childless friend looked at me in horror, prompting me to realize just how much my standards have changed. Here’s a glimpse into my new reality:
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Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown spot could only mean one thing – chocolate. I wouldn’t hesitate to lick it clean.
After kids: There’s a high chance it’s something far less appealing. My first instinct? A vigorous sniff to determine the source. Regardless if it’s chocolate or worse, I won’t interrupt my tasks to clean it up. It can wait. -
Booger Management
Before kids: The thought of boogers made me cringe. I’d use multiple tissues for my own nose; someone else’s was off-limits!
After kids: If tissues are nearby, great! If not, I might just use my hand. Removing boogers from my baby’s nose has become routine, and I’ve accepted that my dark clothes are now prone to those tell-tale snot marks. -
Vomit Catcher?
Before kids: If anyone looked remotely nauseous, I was out of there, avoiding the barf zone at all costs.
After kids: Instinctively, I find myself cupping my hands to catch vomit when my kids throw up. It’s more manageable than cleaning it off the carpet, which is a nightmare to deodorize. -
Saliva as a Cleaning Tool
Before kids: As a child, I was horrified when my sister used her saliva to taunt my brother and me.
After kids: I’ve become that parent who uses my own saliva to clean my kids’ faces without a second thought. It’s for their benefit, after all! -
Nail Care Dilemmas
Before kids: Long nails were simply trimmed without a second thought.
After kids: Keeping up with my kids’ rapidly growing nails is a challenge! I’ve even resorted to nibbling at my baby’s nails to avoid misplacing those tiny clippers. -
Unintentional Urine Incidents
Before kids: The only times I’d unknowingly sleep in urine was during a wild night out.
After kids: Brace yourself; this will happen! One night, you’ll wake up to warmth on your back and have to decide between changing sheets at 2 AM or tossing a towel over the mess and trying to sleep. -
Bath Time Realities
Before kids: If someone peed in my bathtub, it would have been drained and scrubbed thoroughly.
After kids: When I see the yellow ring forming in the tub, I just look away. A little tinkle in the water isn’t the end of the world, right? -
Ice Cream Cone Preparation
Before kids: Watching my mom lick my ice cream cone was torture!
After kids: I find myself licking the cone to shape it before handing it over to my child. It’s all about preventing a chocolate disaster on their clothes! -
Highchair Leftovers
Before kids: There was no way I’d eat food off someone else’s plate.
After kids: If my child leaves food behind, I figure why not? It’s going down the hatch! -
Diaper Smelling
Before kids: I can say without hesitation that I never intentionally smelled a dirty diaper.
After kids: Now, I feel compelled to check the contents of a diaper with a whiff, regardless of the obvious signs of a mess.
The lengths we go to for our children can be downright disgusting! I take solace in knowing that one day, they might find themselves in similar situations, continuing the cycle of parenthood.
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Summary:
Parenthood brings a host of unexpected changes, often leading to behaviors that may have seemed unthinkable before having children. From sniffing mystery stains to using saliva as a cleaning agent, the transition into parenthood reshapes our standards of grossness. Embracing these changes is part of the journey, and one day our children will likely share in these experiences.