It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but somewhere between welcoming my first child and now, I transformed into a rather unsightly version of myself. I adapted to this new norm so effortlessly that it wasn’t until a friend without kids gave me a look of horror that I realized just how much my standards had dropped. Here’s a rundown of the gross changes I’ve experienced:
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Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown mark was undoubtedly chocolate, and I wouldn’t hesitate to lick it off.
After kids: That same mark might be something far worse. Now, my first instinct is to take a whiff of the mystery stain for identification. Whether it’s chocolate or something more unsavory, I’m unlikely to stop what I’m doing to clean it up. It can wait. -
Booger Management
Before kids: I was repulsed by boogers. I needed multiple tissues to blow my nose and the thought of someone digging for theirs? I’d flee in disgust.
After kids: If there’s a tissue nearby, I’ll consider it. But if not, my bare hand is often the go-to tool. Picking boogers from the nose of a tiny human is now routine, and I’ve accepted that any black shirt I wear will inevitably showcase those ghostly smudges. -
Vomit Catcher
Before kids: If someone looked like they might hurl, I’d be the first to distance myself.
After kids: Now, when my children start to vomit, I instinctively extend my hands to catch it. Why? Because it’s better to deal with the warm, chunky mess in my hands than to scrub it out of the carpet later. -
Saliva as a Cleaning Agent
Before kids: My sister’s childhood saliva torture tactics left me horrified; I couldn’t fathom such a thing.
After kids: I’ve found myself using my own saliva to clean my children’s faces without a second thought. It’s about hygiene, not cruelty, right? -
Nail Grooming
Before kids: Long nails were simply trimmed.
After kids: Children’s nails grow at an alarming rate! Keeping track of the tiny nail clippers is a challenge, and it’s not long before I find myself nibbling off my baby’s nails in a moment of desperation. -
Sleeping in Urine
Before kids: The only time I might have ended up in urine was during a drunken escapade—unintentionally, of course.
After kids: You can expect this to happen! One night, you’ll wake up to find you’ve been marked by the bedwetting culprit, and somehow, you’ll feel guilty for jumping out of bed in shock. -
Bath Time Acceptances
Before kids: A single drop of urine in the bath would have sent me into a cleaning frenzy.
After kids: I now cheerfully plop my child into the tub, even as a yellow halo appears. Honestly, a little pee in the water doesn’t harm anyone, and time is of the essence. -
Ice Cream Cone Preparation
Before kids: Watching my mom lick my ice cream cone was torturous!
After kids: Now, I find myself licking the cone into shape to prevent a complete meltdown—literally. It’s about making it easier for them, right? -
Eating Leftovers
Before kids: I would never dream of eating someone else’s partially chewed food.
After kids: If she won’t eat it, and I’m hungry, why not? It’s a practicality I never thought I’d embrace. -
Diaper Sniffing
Before kids: I can confidently say I never willingly inhaled the aftermath of a bathroom visit.
After kids: Now, I feel compelled to take a whiff of a poopy diaper for a reality check, even when it’s clear there’s a significant load in there.
The lengths we go to for our kids can be downright gross. I can only hope that one day, my children will endure the same transformation into less-than-ideal human beings. Ah, the circle of life! For more insights on parenting, you can check out other related blogs, like the one on how to use an at-home insemination kit. And if you’re looking for expert knowledge on speech therapy, visit this resource. Additionally, an excellent resource for those navigating pregnancy and home insemination can be found here.
Summary:
Parenthood inevitably brings a slew of gross changes, from how we handle bodily fluids to the strange compromises we make in our hygiene standards. These adjustments can be both shocking and humorous, yet they define our new reality as parents.