Recently, we embarked on a lengthy road trip to northern Minnesota. The journey took 16 hours each way, resulting in 32 hours confined in a vehicle with three little ones under the age of five (our sanity may still be under examination). To say it was chaotic would be an understatement, akin to describing the Grand Canyon as a mere ditch. At one point, the noise level in our car reached a crescendo, leading to this exchange with my partner:
Me: Sometimes I wish I knew how to perform that sleeper hold. You know, the one where you pinch the neck?
Him: Why? So you can use it on yourself and leave me alone with the kids?
Me: I was thinking of using it on them, but that’s a better idea.
I have no clue how families managed during the Exodus. Clearly, there were children involved, but I can’t fathom how any of them made it across the parted waters in a timely manner. It would likely take a toddler an eternity to cross the Red Sea, especially since they would need to stop and touch every seashell along the way. Their attention span resembles the frenetic tempo of “The Flight of the Bumblebee.”
If only Moses had included a few additional commandments for traveling with toddlers, they might have looked something like this:
- Thou shalt inquire if we have reached our destination 40 million times within the first 30 seconds of departure.
- Thou shalt not covet thy sibling’s toy until the vehicle is speeding down the highway in inclement weather surrounded by oversized trucks.
- Thou shalt request a drink five minutes after declaring you don’t want one, only to ask again as soon as Mommy settles back in her seat.
- Thou shalt wake the baby with high-pitched noises mere seconds after they fall asleep, unleashing a cacophony.
- Thou shalt speak louder than a jet engine.
- Thou shalt not sleep, not even for a moment.
- Thou shalt continuously kick the seat in front of you.
- Thou shalt announce the urgent need to use the restroom just 45 seconds before it becomes necessary.
- Thou shalt only eat McDonald’s, rejecting all other options.
- Thou shalt persist in these behaviors until your parents contemplate jumping from the moving vehicle.
Of course, I’m being facetious. Every year, I proclaim that traveling with toddlers gets easier. Just kidding—I’m totally lying.
So far, I’ve gleaned three truths about road trips with toddlers: 1) It’s a budget-friendly form of marriage therapy, 2) toddlers have no interest in your clever car games, and 3) the phrase “Are we there yet?” can drive you to the brink of insanity. Much like the Exodus, each road trip feels like guiding hundreds of thousands through uncharted territory, only we end up looking far more bewildered than Moses, and our journeys resemble the chaotic melody of “The Flight of the Bumblebee.”
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Summary
Traveling with toddlers can be a wild and unpredictable experience, filled with endless questions and noisy disruptions. The journey can feel reminiscent of leading a vast group through challenging paths. Despite the chaos, there are moments of humor and bonding that make the adventure worthwhile.