When my partner and I experienced our first miscarriage, I was initially enveloped in a wave of support. Many women in my circle reached out to share their own stories of loss, helping me feel less isolated. Online communities offered solace, reminding me that I was among the many who grieve, a part of a sisterhood united by shared sorrow.
Meanwhile, my partner returned to work the very next day. As one HR representative infamously said, “bereavement leave is for, like, real people.” The only comment my husband received was, “Aw, dude, that’s tough. Is your partner alright?” This focus on my loss overshadowed his own grief, which often went unacknowledged.
The physical toll of my mourning was apparent, but the emotional strain weighed heavily on both our hearts. The dreams and hopes we had for our child were shared; my partner felt the loss just as profoundly.
Years later, after enduring another miscarriage, the response was similar. My friends rallied with care packages, meals, and check-ins, yet few considered how my partner was coping, aside from ensuring he wasn’t overwhelmed by my grief. Conversations about miscarriage often overlook men’s experiences.
Mark Thompson’s Journey
Mark Thompson, a devoted husband and father of three, authors the fatherhood blog Dad Files. In his new book, “Fathers and Miscarriage: A Dad’s Guide to Grief, Relationships, and Healing After Loss,” he explores the emotional toll of miscarriage on fathers. Together with his wife, Lisa, Mark shares their journey through pregnancy loss, abortion, and male-factor infertility, interviewing other fathers to shed light on their experiences.
I had a heartfelt conversation with Mark and Lisa for our blog. We touched on their challenges in family building amidst profound loss. They now cherish their three wonderful children, feeling incredibly fortunate. However, their journey was marred by grief, having lost five of their eight pregnancies, including the heart-wrenching choice to terminate a second-trimester pregnancy.
“It really messed me up! If I, as an average guy, felt this way, I knew others must too,” Mark shared.
Mark emphasized the importance of including Lisa in this conversation. “As a cisgender white man, I wanted to ensure my wife was part of this narrative. Miscarriage impacts the birthing partner more intensely, and I don’t want to monopolize this experience. I aim to encourage non-birthing partners to express their grief and support their loved ones, as it affects them too,” he explained.
Struggles with Infertility and Communication
The book also delves into Mark’s struggles with male-factor infertility. “In some ways, that diagnosis was tougher than the miscarriages,” he admitted, recalling how it shattered his sense of masculinity. “That shame still lingers. The more we talk about it, the less shame there will be. We shouldn’t blame ourselves for needing help.”
Through their experiences with infertility and multiple pregnancy losses, Mark and Lisa found it challenging to stay connected. “I needed Mark to be forthright about his feelings. Instead of writing about it online, I wished he had just talked to me directly,” Lisa said.
Mark acknowledged the communication breakdown during their losses. “Writing was easier for me than sharing those feelings face-to-face with my partner,” he confessed.
Their decision to terminate a pregnancy due to severe fetal anomalies marked a pivotal moment in their healing. Faced with anti-abortion protestors at the clinic, Mark’s viral confrontation with them opened the door for him to help others navigating similar struggles.
Insights from Other Fathers
In “Fathers and Miscarriage,” Mark and Lisa interview nine dads willing to share their stories. A recurring theme emerged: many fathers experienced initial sorrow followed by anger due to their perceived lack of control.
“Men often want to fix problems. When we can’t fix the situation, it’s tough to sit with that discomfort,” Mark noted. One contributor, Daniel, compared his experience in a support group to a mechanical diagnosis, where feelings were replaced with blame.
While the book is titled “Fathers and Miscarriage,” the Thompsons emphasize its relevance for women with partners who may seem emotionally detached. “This is a glimpse into men’s emotional worlds, assuring women that we care deeply, even if we struggle to express it,” Mark elaborated.
The cultural constraints on masculinity often hinder men’s emotional expression, which is why Mark and Lisa want to illuminate this topic. They hope their work encourages men to acknowledge their grief over pregnancy loss, even if they weren’t the ones carrying the child.
“Fathers and Miscarriage” offers the support and validation many dads need to openly address their pain.
Further Reading
For further insights on this subject, you can explore more about home insemination on this blog post or check out Intracervical Insemination, a trusted source on related topics. Additionally, WebMD’s guide provides excellent information on pregnancy and home insemination.
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Summary: The Thompson family faced significant challenges after losing five out of eight pregnancies, leading them to write “Fathers and Miscarriage.” The book addresses the emotional impact of miscarriage on fathers, encouraging open discussions about grief and support. Through their journey, Mark and Lisa hope to shed light on the often-overlooked experiences of men dealing with pregnancy loss.