Having navigated nearly ten months with baby number seven, I’ve come to the realization that parenting is essentially a series of challenging stages. Just when you think you’ve survived the worst, something even tougher emerges…
Stage 1 — Sleep Deprivation
If luck is on your side, this stage may only last a couple of months. For most, however, it stretches closer to six or seven. But hang in there! One night, you may go to bed expecting to wake up in a few hours, only to realize eight hours have passed. You’ll panic, convinced something is wrong with your little one, and rush in to check. Thankfully, she’s perfectly fine and has just slept through the night! You’ll breathe a sigh of relief, thinking life is about to get easier. But then…
Stage 2 — Mobility
This phase is often worse than sleep deprivation for two reasons. First, your child will discover every choking hazard imaginable and promptly put it in their mouth. You’ll find yourself contemplating the destruction of every toilet, trash can, and pet dish in the house. Your ability to keep up with household chores will be severely compromised. You’ll also come to realize just how dirty your home is, judging when to mop based on the griminess of your child’s knees and feet. This phase can last around two years, and just when you think it’s over, you’ll notice the day you leave the bathroom door open, and your little one doesn’t dive in to wash their face in the toilet. The next day, you might leave a garbage can on the floor, and miraculously, the trash remains untouched for hours. Ah, a moment of respite!
Stage 3 — Talking
You’ll eagerly encourage your child to say that first word. “Say Mama! Say Mama!!!” What you don’t anticipate is that once they start talking, they won’t stop. Those first few “Mamas” are adorable, but by word number 4000, they become infuriating—especially when the string of “Mamas” is preceded by “You’re the worst” and followed by “ever.” This stage feels endless, but eventually, you accept it as part of life.
Stage 4 — The Terrible Threes and Fours
Forget the so-called “terrible twos”—they’re a mere warm-up. The threes? A nightmare. And the fours? They will truly test your patience. This phase can drive you to therapy or even mandatory anger management sessions. The phrases “Whyyyyyyyyyyyy????” and “Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaasse???” will echo through your home, uttered at least 387 times daily. Whoever invented time-outs must have been deep in this stage.
Stage 5 — Lying
If you think your children don’t lie, you’re likely still in this phase, convincing yourself otherwise.
Stage 6 — “But Jane’s mom lets her do it”
This one needs no explanation.
Stage 7 — Teenagers
It’s hard to choose which is worse: this stage or Stage 4. They’re equally daunting, but with teenagers, your kids may be taller than you and can easily outrun you. So, yes, this phase might just take the cake.
Stage 8 — “Can I have some money?”
This phase seems to last longer than all the others combined. Trust me, I know—I’m 45 and still very much entrenched in it!
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Summary
Parenting is a rollercoaster of phases, each with its own unique challenges. From sleep deprivation to the trials of teenage years, every stage tests your patience and resilience. Just when you think you’ve mastered one challenge, another one emerges, keeping you on your toes.