If a simple pause can work wonders for infants, could it also be effective for an adult? I found myself pondering this question about my husband.
By Jamie Lee Thompson
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: June 20, 2022
Since the birth of our first child, my bond with my partner has deepened like never before—though so has my frustration with him. New parenthood presents a unique blend of joy and chaos, often turning your partner into a frazzled co-worker amid the demands of a tiny human. With a precious little one who can do no wrong, it’s easy to feel exasperated with the only other adult in the room.
My husband is eager to be an equal partner, yet I often slipped into a frustrating cycle of martyrdom and nagging, especially during the early days of endless newborn care. Studies indicate that many couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction after welcoming a child, with women often taking on more childcare and household duties. I realized I needed to break free from this resentment and found myself considering a quirky strategy that could help: Le Pause.
Popularized by Pamela Druckman in her book Bringing Up Bébé, “Le Pause” involves letting babies cry for a few minutes before intervening, encouraging them to self-soothe and sleep longer. It’s a gentle form of sleep training that many French parents adopt from the very beginning. This made me wonder: If this technique benefits infants, might it also work on an adult like my husband?
One particularly exhausting morning, as we sat bleary-eyed and scrolling through our phones, our baby began to whimper. Normally, I would spring into action, but this time I hesitated and remained seated. I wasn’t being neglectful; I simply lacked the energy to respond. As I sat in silence, my husband put his phone down, picked up our baby, and began to soothe her. I was surprised yet delighted to see him step up without my prompting, reminding me of the effectiveness of Le Pause.
This led me to realize that perhaps I had been inhibiting him from taking on more responsibilities. While I believed I was supportive, I had unknowingly developed a habit of jumping in first. According to Darcy Lockman, author of All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, implicit beliefs from our upbringing can influence our co-parenting dynamics, causing couples, even those with progressive views, to fall into traditional gender roles.
Recognizing this, I decided to experiment with “pausing” in other areas of our home life. Instead of making coffee or taking out the trash, I held back and allowed my husband to handle these tasks. Sure, this sometimes resulted in our daughter sporting a half-buttoned shirt or waiting longer for clean dishes, but the outcome was worth it: I avoided nagging and allowed my husband to take initiative.
When I shared this strategy with a friend, she laughed and admitted that she does the same when her husband asks where things are around the house, allowing him to figure it out on his own. According to Lockman, Le Pause can indeed serve as a valuable conversation starter about shared responsibilities in parenting.
Several months into this experiment, I noticed a significant shift. One morning, my husband instinctively went to our daughter when she cried, taking charge without hesitation. I felt grateful to see him embracing his role and stepping up as the First Responder.
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