“Don’t fret that kids don’t heed your words; rather, be concerned that they’re always observing you.” ~ Alex Thompson
Recently, I overheard a proud LGBTQ+ father remark that his children remain unaware of his sexual orientation. As someone who identifies as queer and has numerous little ones in my life, this piqued my curiosity. I’ve previously shared a TEDx Talk that emphasizes the importance of honesty with children regarding such topics to combat homophobia and bullying. So, why was this father keeping his identity a secret?
First, I want to acknowledge the challenges of parenting. It’s a daunting task, especially for single parents. I recently spent a day at the beach with my cousins and their kids, one of whom was flying solo for the weekend. Watching him juggle all the demands of parenting, whether pulling one child on a boogie board or engaging another in a game of catch, left me in awe.
During our beach day, I listened as the openly gay father shared that his nearly five-year-old son expressed a desire to marry and start a family. When the boy asked, “Why didn’t you get married?” the father replied, “It hasn’t happened for me yet, but I hope it does.” He then swiftly redirected the conversation, explaining that he felt no need to discuss his sexuality unless prompted directly.
While I fully respect every parent’s approach, as someone who works with young people, it’s essential to highlight what caregivers might overlook. What drove his choice to change the topic so quickly?
Earlier this year, I was out with my five nieces and nephews, aged 5-11, when I noticed a transgender individual at a restaurant. It was refreshing to see representation in a setting close to home. Later, as I was showing them something on my phone, an email from the Los Angeles LGBTQ Center popped up. My seven-year-old nephew inquired, “What does LGBTQ mean?” After I explained it, they immediately asked about transgender identities. When I mentioned our earlier encounter, they chimed in, “Oh, Bobby!” It surprised me to learn they recognized the term without prior explanation.
A study by cognitive scientist Andrew Shtulman from Occidental College in 2014 examined how children come to disbelieve in Santa Claus. The findings revealed that children’s evolving intellect leads them to question myths, regardless of parental attempts to maintain them. Similarly, the insights my nieces and nephews displayed about Bobby illustrated that kids often grasp concepts before we realize.
An often-ignored aspect in the LGBTQ community, particularly among gay men, is the impact of internalized homophobia. We grow up absorbing societal messages that can unconsciously shape our perceptions and behaviors. Even after coming out, I spent years advocating for LGBTQ rights, but a simple question from my nephew about my relationship status three years ago opened my eyes to the deeper layers of homophobia that exist.
I can’t speak to the specific reasoning behind the father’s decision to pivot the conversation; however, it’s crucial to recognize that silence communicates in its own way. Children absorb everything we share, including the things we choose to ignore. If a child can discuss future marriage and family, they are certainly capable of understanding what being gay means. Love between same-sex partners is as valid as what they see on their screens.
In a world that often upholds heteronormative standards, it’s vital to normalize diverse identities for children. By introducing concepts that challenge societal norms, we foster allies, reduce bullying, and contribute to healing the wounds of homophobia.
To any parent hesitant to introduce certain topics, I urge you to reflect on your reasons for avoiding specific discussions. From my journey, I’ve learned that children possess a remarkable level of insight.
As we navigate these changing times, deeper self-reflection can lead to significant strides towards equality. For more insights on parenting and home insemination, check out this excellent resource.
Summary
In summary, our reactions to children profoundly influence their understanding of the world. By being open about topics like sexual orientation, we empower children to embrace diversity and foster a more inclusive society. As parents and caregivers, it’s important to engage in meaningful conversations that reflect the realities of our lives to help shape compassionate future generations.