Reaching the milestone of 40 can feel like a mixed bag of emotions. Some days, it seems like just another chapter in life, and hey, it’s certainly preferable to the alternative—death. Here are the seven phases of reaching 40:
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Shock/Disbelief
You find it hard to grasp that this moment has arrived. When did you cross into mid-life territory? Aren’t you still in your 30s? How did these kids materialize? Wait, how many are there? Did someone swap your youthful body with your mother’s? And why can’t I stop asking these rhetorical questions? -
Denial
No way, these can’t be my kids. I’m far too youthful to have given birth to such beings, even though my less-than-perky breasts and graying hair suggest otherwise. I’m still trendy, right? Do people even use the word trendy anymore? Maybe I should say cool or rad. When did I start wearing pajamas to the grocery store? -
Anger
Alright, enough of this nonsense! I’m going to indulge in a drinking spree, binge-watching every classic John Hughes movie while knocking back Jell-O shots and Kamikazes. Don’t try to hold me back. I feel vibrant and energetic. I can still do a cartwheel! What 40-year-old woman can say that? Who knows, I might even have a fling with that random guy who isn’t my spouse—because I’m not old enough to be tied down! -
Bargaining
Please, let this be a cruel joke. I can’t be 40! If you grant me a few extra years, I promise to engage in charitable endeavors. I’ll take better care of myself and others. I might even run a charity race for dogs facing gender identity crises or participate in a triathlon for geriatric cryogenic research—so every older person can be frozen and thawed like Walt Disney. -
Guilt
I can’t believe I’ve squandered my time. Why didn’t I pursue a career? What have I even accomplished in the first half of my life? Am I really at mid-life, or will I die before reaching the average life expectancy? Why didn’t I achieve more? What kind of mother am I? Is that my child sucking his thumb while the other hand is down his pants? How could I waste so many hours binge-watching television? Did I seriously watch every season of The Real World? That’s over 10 days of continuous TV… I guess I’m not great at math either. -
Depression
I feel utterly miserable. Maybe I’ll have another drink or spend the day watching every Lifetime movie or the original 1990s season of 90210. They really shouldn’t have made a reboot. Those new 90210 kids are in their 20s… I can’t stand them. I loathe all young people. Is that girl cuter than me? Am I really still a girl? Guess I’m a woman now. I’ve never heard of a 40-year-old girl. I’m feeling moody and sad; maybe I’m pregnant or entering perimenopause. -
Acceptance and Hope
Actually, this isn’t so terrible. Age is just a number, right? I’m in pretty good shape, aside from the belly flab and the visible veins on my legs. But hey, we all have our flaws now. We’re 40, and these imperfections are earned. Every woman I know looks like me—or worse! Did I just say that? Well, icons like Christie and Heidi still look fabulous, even if Madonna’s arms are a bit extreme. It’s probably all airbrushing anyway. I have my kids to help me, but they don’t do my makeup or workouts. I can still do push-ups; I’m doing just fine. This 40 business isn’t daunting at all! Wait, am I having an anxiety attack? Or maybe it’s just a nervous breakdown. Is this what turning 40 feels like? No way, I can’t be 40…
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In summary, turning 40 is a journey filled with shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, and ultimately acceptance. While it may bring a mix of emotions, embracing this new decade can lead to a fresh perspective on life and self-acceptance.