When my mother passed away in June 2020, I believed I had endured the worst of my past. She struggled with mental health issues and physical ailments, compounded by alcoholism, which led to neglect. From the tender age of 12, I learned to fend for myself, navigating a tumultuous childhood overshadowed by her harsh words. She often called me “worthless” and “stupid,” labeling me a “mistake,” memories that linger like shadows.
Yet, following her death, an unexpected wave of memories washed over me—ones filled with anguish, sorrow, and trauma. I was unprepared for this emotional deluge, overwhelmed by the resurfacing of broken promises and haunting experiences.
Initially, the memories surfaced quietly—faint recollections that evoked a sense of dread. As a 36-year-old, I often found myself reminiscing about my childhood, especially while raising my own son and daughter. However, these recollections felt distinct. They were unsettling, even eerie, and some were barely recognizable, buried deep within my psyche.
What did these resurfaced memories entail? One memory transports me back to when I was about my daughter’s age, around seven or eight. I remember showering behind a bear-themed curtain when I noticed a flickering red light outside the bathroom door. Pulling back the curtain, I spotted a video camera aimed in my direction. I laughed off the discomfort—a habit I had developed throughout my life—yet, deep down, something felt profoundly wrong.
Another memory takes me to age 15, sitting in a dim office with my mother beside me. The psychiatrist suggested family counseling, but my mother dismissed the idea, blaming me for our issues with her sharp, nicotine-laden words. Such instances of emotional and sexual trauma punctuated my upbringing, emerging unexpectedly when triggered by various sensations.
I now understand that I live with PTSD, characterized by the sudden resurgence of unwanted, distressing memories—many of which have been buried for years. As articulated in a Healthline article, significant life events can leave lasting impressions, some evoking joy, while others are steeped in pain. Repressed memories often relate to trauma or deeply distressing events, and this has been my experience.
When repressed memories arise, they consume me entirely, halting my ability to function. One moment, I’m laughing and playing with my kids; the next, I’m engulfed in tears, reliving scenes from my childhood where I faced anger and violence. The visceral nature of these memories makes them feel alarmingly real.
Fortunately, I’ve found ways to manage these experiences through therapy, mindfulness, and medication. I take antidepressants and antipsychotics to help stabilize my mood and manage symptoms. In moments of crisis, I rely on anxiety medication like Xanax to cope with overwhelming flashbacks. I also engage in various self-care practices—running, hiking, journaling, dancing, drawing, and connecting with friends. While the memories continue to surface, having a strategy in place helps me navigate the challenging moments.
For further insight into these topics, check out this other blog post and resources on infertility. You might also find valuable information on self-care and managing emotional trauma from this authority.
Summary
The resurfacing of repressed memories can be a daunting experience, often filled with emotional turmoil and trauma. Recognizing these memories as part of living with PTSD is crucial. With therapy, medication, and self-care practices, individuals can learn to manage these distressing recollections effectively.