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Parenting
The Reality Is, I Longed for a Daughter
by Emily Carter
Updated: Oct. 29, 2020
Originally Published: March 16, 2016
“I truly don’t mind if it’s a boy or a girl.”
We’ve all heard it. We might have even expressed it ourselves. For some expectant parents, this sentiment rings true; they genuinely feel content regardless of whether they welcome a son or daughter. However, for many of us, this nonchalant attitude about gender can feel disingenuous.
Before I became pregnant, I assured myself that I wouldn’t care about the baby’s gender. I understood that a healthy child was what mattered most. As our 20-week ultrasound approached, I repeated this mantra, convincing myself that gender was irrelevant—yet deep down, I had a wish.
I genuinely desired a daughter.
When we discovered we were having a son, a whirlwind of emotions surged through me. Relief washed over me at the thought of his health. I was thrilled about becoming a mother, and although my love for this tiny being was still developing, it was there. Yet, alongside that joy, I felt an inexplicable discomfort.
As we exited the doctor’s office, my husband, Jake, celebrated exuberantly, dancing in delight at the news of our baby boy. His joy was uncomplicated and infectious. But I found myself questioning why I didn’t share that same excitement. Why did I feel a twinge of disappointment?
Let me clarify: I was undeniably grateful for my pregnancy and relieved that my son was healthy. That is a given. I understood that gender identity is complex and personal. I also knew I would love a son just as fiercely as I would a daughter. But what often goes unsaid—what I hadn’t realized at the time—is that it’s entirely normal to experience gender disappointment. It’s perfectly acceptable to have a preference for one gender over the other. You are not a terrible person; you’re simply human, navigating emotions that can be confusing and irrational.
I know several women who felt tears well up at the news of having a boy. I’ve heard fathers express worries about raising a daughter. There are mothers who dread the thought of parenting a girl due to their own complicated relationships. Conversely, some fathers feel relieved to learn they’re having a daughter, escaping the societal pressures associated with raising a son. Many parents carry personal preferences for one gender or another for a variety of reasons, known or unknown.
Do these feelings have to make logical sense? Absolutely not. But emotions don’t always follow a rational path.
Does feeling disappointed mean someone can’t love their child fully? Not at all. Love transcends these feelings.
Can a loving parent also grapple with confusing emotions? Certainly.
Every parent approaches the journey of raising a child with their own unique blend of hopes and fears, shaped by personal experiences, societal norms, and individual traits. These feelings can be burdensome, and they don’t dissipate easily. Often, they defy logic.
I privately harbored the hope of having a daughter—not just for imagined moments like tea parties and twirly skirts, but for the shared experiences we could have. While these experiences can occur with any child, they often resonate more with a child of the same gender. I wanted a daughter to guide through adolescence, to share the joys and challenges of womanhood, and eventually to bond with over the journey of motherhood.
At the same time, I was haunted by fears: Would I find common ground with my son? Would society pressure him to conform to a rigid notion of masculinity that I found uncomfortable? Would our bond be as deep as it might have been with a daughter?
Did any of this make sense? No. Was it logical? Certainly not. But was it normal? Absolutely.
It took me several months to come to terms with having a son. But slowly, I embraced my role as a mother to two boys, savoring the unique joys they bring.
As the saying goes, there isn’t just one way to be a perfect parent; there are countless ways to be a good one. Similarly, there’s no singular correct reaction upon learning the gender of your child, but there are infinite ways to love and nurture them once they enter your life.
For more resources on pregnancy and home insemination, you can check out this excellent guide from the CDC. If you’re interested in exploring options for artificial insemination, visit this link for more information. And for those considering self insemination, this site provides valuable insights.
Summary:
The author reflects on her initial desire for a daughter when discovering she was having a son. While acknowledging feelings of gender disappointment, she emphasizes the importance of recognizing and processing these emotions. Ultimately, she finds joy in her role as a mother to two boys, highlighting that there are many ways to parent and love a child, regardless of gender.