At the end of a long day, after tackling endless chores and caring for my little one, I finally plop down on the couch, feeling both relieved and heavy with fatigue. The dishes are washed, the baby is asleep, and I’m finally free—well, almost. A flood of “should”s fills my mind:
- Soak the baby’s outfit from today’s beet mishap.
- Plan meals for the week ahead.
- Update the baby book for months 7, 8, and 9.
- Order prints from the last few photo sessions.
- Clear out junk mail that’s cluttering the recycling bin.
- Organize my closet.
- Start planning our summer vacation.
- Finish that book on my nightstand.
- Complete this essay.
These nagging tasks buzz around me like bees, but I swat them away and pour myself another glass of wine. My body aches, my hair sheds in clumps, and it feels like I’m living in a body that isn’t my own. Ten months postpartum, and my life revolves around my child’s needs.
My day is dictated by his schedule. I anticipate his cries and swing into action the moment he wakes up. Getting him dressed feels like a wrestling match with a tiger, changing diapers is akin to wrestling an alligator, and mealtime? It’s like feeding a snapping turtle. Motherhood at this stage is a full-contact sport that drains my energy until I can barely get through my next cup of lukewarm coffee.
In the early days, those quiet 3 a.m. feedings brought a sense of peace, a break from the “should”s, as it was just me and my baby in that stillness. Despite feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, I knew that each day was a new opportunity to try again. But as my son grew, the nights became more challenging. A dark blanket of sleep deprivation fell over me, and after several months of interrupted sleep, staying up late became my refuge.
One night, while lounging on the couch with a glass of wine and mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, my partner asked, “Why don’t you just go to bed?” The answer is simple: during the day, I’m immersed in his world, and when he sleeps, I finally get a chance to live mine. Most nights, all I have energy for is to unwind with a few episodes of Real Housewives.
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Summary:
Moms often find themselves staying up late as a means of reclaiming their identity after a day spent catering to their child’s needs. The stillness of the night offers a moment of peace, allowing them to unwind and indulge in a bit of personal time, albeit often with a glass of wine and some reality TV.