I was left bewildered by my divorce. Now, a year after ending a 17-year relationship, I find myself grappling with countless unanswered questions rooted in my insecurities. These inquiries range from doubting my thoughts to undermining my intuition, my heart, my capacity to love, and the very essence of who I am. Perhaps I never truly knew him, or maybe he transformed into someone else entirely. I try to give myself grace, but no amount of sugar can sweeten the harsh truths.
The undeniable reality remains: my marriage has ended. A friendship was lost long before the divorce papers were signed. It experienced an unnatural demise filled with more tears and heartache than I had ever known. It ended with feelings of inadequacy, a constant yearning for love, and loneliness that often went unnoticed. Resentment brewed as I pursued my dreams. Sometimes, endings manifest through transitions and growth. They occur when we outgrow those around us. The pain of loss remains unchanged.
I have spent time reflecting on my past, examining where I faltered. My relentless pursuit of dreams kept me working tirelessly, convinced that hard work yields results. I sought independence, drawing on the strength I believed I possessed. Perhaps it wasn’t a partnership after all; it turned into my own story, while issues that should have taken precedence were ignored. I frequently question the support I received. Do I bear an immense burden of blame? Certainly.
Yet, I find gratitude in recognizing my shortcomings. Accepting them allows me to see where I fell short. Two individuals came together, and both contributed to the marriage’s decline. I refuse to engage in the blame game beyond these realizations. Such a game has no end; it perpetually resets in the past. Healing cannot be found in casting blame. Even when fingers point back at me, my focus is now solely on ‘me.’ It is my responsibility to heal, especially after the dissolution of my marriage. Alongside grief comes mourning: anger, disbelief, and, ultimately, acceptance.
I typed out a question to my ex. “Did you ever feel loved by me?” Then I hesitated and deleted it, pondering its significance. What impact would the answer hold? Yet, for me, it became pivotal. It spoke volumes about my identity as a lover, a spouse, and a partner. I composed the question again and hit send.
Six simple words. Those words determined whether I succeeded or failed in upholding the vows I made long ago. If the answer were “no,” it would signal a need for introspection regarding how I expressed love—how I communicated affection and criticism. The reply would guide me in reevaluating my approach to love.
I know my answer; I never felt loved. It felt like an endless chase, a carrot dangled in front of me. My heart raced for years, yet I never got a taste. Love felt like a game, a destination to reach, even with the family, home, and marriage we shared. Outwardly, we appeared to have it all, but internally, I felt hollow. Did I recognize this before saying “I do”? Yes, but I hoped love would eventually align. Looking back, I see the folly in waiting for love to reveal itself. Love is either present or absent.
Yet, I loved deeply. When the answer finally arrived, it was a “yes” from him. I stared at that word, contemplating its implications. In divorce, there are no victors, only those who suffer losses. Still, I found a glimmer of peace amid the chaos, a lifeboat to cling to as I navigate the uncertainties of my new life.
Answers can bring reconciliation, and even a single word can provide closure. He has never acknowledged the end. I have apologized, taking responsibility for my missteps. Acknowledging my failures is crucial; I must recognize the hurt I caused and actively work on myself for the future.
His response reaffirmed that I wield power over my own life. I cannot control how others treat me, but my gifts and love stem from within. I honored my promise to love wholeheartedly, and when that love fell short, I chose to walk away. The blame I had placed on myself dissolved within weeks. I embraced the answer and allowed healing to flow into my heart. I may not have been enough in certain situations, but my best is good enough for me.
When sadness strikes and I replay past heartaches, I refer back to that text. I know I did my utmost. I dismiss the negativity and ask myself, “Do you love yourself?” This is now the only answer that truly matters to me. If I could give love to someone who never reciprocated, then I can definitely extend that same love to myself.
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In summary, healing after a divorce is a complex journey filled with self-discovery. By asking the right questions and focusing on self-love, we can find peace amidst the chaos and reclaim our power.