When my college sophomore, Alex, receives anything less than a high A, he perceives it as a personal failure. A score of 98% doesn’t feel like success to him; instead, it’s a reminder that he missed the mark by 2%. If he happens to get a B+, the emotional fallout is immense. I find myself keeping my phone on at all hours just to comfort him as he spirals into self-criticism and tears. Achieving a flawless GPA has become his singular focus, leaving little room for anything else in his life. This situation only worsened over time, and while I want to place the blame on my partner, who has nurtured this anxiety-ridden, overachieving mindset in our son for years, I realize it’s more complicated.
While many college students are enjoying social events or forming study groups, Alex’s days are filled with solitary rigidity. He wakes up at 5:30 a.m. every day, and his studying begins. I’m unsure of all the details, but I know it consumes at least eight hours each day. His breaks are limited to eating, bathroom visits, and motivational videos that have become a part of his routine.
I once sat through a six-minute motivational video he insisted I watch. In it, the narrator encourages viewers to: “Break it down, and add just a little more effort, just a little more focus, add just a little more time management, add just a little more patience, add just a little more studying, add just a little more listening, add just a little more discipline.” No matter how often Alex watches it, the phrase “add just a little more studying” resonates with him, acting as a catalyst for yet another study session.
He studies, eats, and walks to class all alone. I can’t help but wonder how often he interacts with his peers. This is a bright, charismatic kid, known for his infectious laughter and warm demeanor. Yet, very few people get to experience this vibrant side of him.
Alex has consciously chosen to prioritize academics over friendships, a decision that my partner applauds. It’s disheartening to see him reduced to a one-dimensional figure, seemingly devoid of joy.
I was once complicit in this mindset. I stood by my partner when he questioned our son’s grades. Why didn’t Alex receive a check plus for his math homework? Why couldn’t he retake his spelling test for a perfect score? From the very beginning, we were overbearing, pushing him to excel academically. Our mantra of “Just try your best” was overshadowed by “Put that puzzle piece in the right spot next time.”
In my attempts to foster a love of learning, I inadvertently taught him to equate self-worth with academic performance. By the time Alex reached middle school, I noticed signs of a future isolated student, and I didn’t want that for him.
I tried a different approach, offering cash rewards for grades below an A, believing that if he desired something else, like a longboard, he might shift his priorities. However, he remained steadfast in his quest for high grades, so much so that I found myself feeling disappointed to see his name on the dean’s list.
I don’t take pride in my late attempts to change course. As I began to withdraw my pressure, my partner only intensified his. Whenever Alex missed a question on a test, his father would insist he “put in more hours,” which meant sacrificing sports and social activities. “You weren’t a star anyway,” my partner would say dismissively. This led to cutting ties with friends and skipping family dinners, while summers turned into endless college prep.
Over the years, my partner has stripped away the very support systems that could help ease Alex’s anxiety. Good grades took precedence over mental well-being.
Now, when Alex calls, I listen as he recounts hometown news, only to spiral back into discussions about grades. Our conversations lack depth; it’s as if he’s forgotten how to engage in dialogue. My partner often interjects with cliches like “That’s how you get ahead in life” and praises Alex’s persistence.
It’s clear that I should have been the one demonstrating tenacity all along. Initially, I was a passive participant, and later, a reluctant bystander. While it’s easy to want to blame my partner for Alex’s unhealthy fixation on grades, I have to confront my own role in this situation.
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In summary, my son’s journey toward perfectionism has led to heightened anxiety and isolation, prompting me to reflect on my own role in shaping his priorities. While I wish to hold my partner accountable, I recognize that I too share in this responsibility, and it’s a wake-up call for us both to foster a healthier mindset moving forward.