Parenting can often feel like a high-stakes mission, as evidenced by the daily routine of my friend, Sarah, a single mother. Her schedule is meticulously organized: wake up, nurse her infant while ensuring her toddler is entertained, prepare breakfast, dress both children, pack lunches, squeeze in her own morning routine—all while the kids are captivated by yet another episode of their favorite show. After dropping her older child off at preschool and her younger one at daycare, she races to work, only to repeat the chaotic process in reverse at the end of the day: grocery shopping, supervising dinner, giving baths, and finally putting the kids to bed after a story or two. This is followed by cleaning up the kitchen, responding to work emails, and collapsing into bed for what is usually a brief night’s sleep.
Despite the whirlwind of activity, Sarah seldom voices her frustrations. However, during a recent school pickup, she expressed a desire for her children to watch less television. A fellow mom, Jessica, suggested, “Can’t you just set out some crayons or craft supplies? That’ll keep him busy for a little while.” Sarah sighed, acknowledging that while it was a well-meaning suggestion, she knew that the TV would successfully hold their attention for a guaranteed 10 to 20 minutes, whereas the crayons would be cast aside in seconds. Plus, there’s the additional cleanup involved with crafts.
Similarly, another friend, Laura, who has a demanding job, complained about her reliance on pre-packaged meals for dinner. “Can’t you just prep meals on the weekends and reheat them during the week?” someone inquired. Laura shook her head, explaining that her weekends were already packed with errands, chores, and childcare duties.
These exchanges, while not intended to be harsh, can leave parents feeling somewhat diminished. The underlying implication seems to be that if they were just a bit more efficient, they could achieve the ideal of homemade meals and endless creative play. Yet, the reality is that none of us can be perfectly efficient in fulfilling the myriad expectations placed on mothers. Even with a flexible schedule, I struggle to incorporate cooking, exercise, hobbies, and quality family time into my day. Often, multiple priorities fall by the wayside. I appreciate quick solutions, like tips for speedy tidying or recipes that yield multiple meals, but these shortcuts don’t address the fundamental challenge: there are simply not enough hours in a day.
It would be beneficial for us to acknowledge that not every issue has a neat solution. Sometimes, addressing a challenge may involve opting for less-than-ideal choices, such as takeout or additional screen time. I recall my own experience when my second son was just six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park in Manhattan, a subway ride from our home in Brooklyn, but I opted out due to the overwhelming logistics of managing both children. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and use a travel stroller?” While theoretically possible, I found myself too exhausted to tackle the complexity of packing, navigating public transport, and ensuring both kids were cared for. Ultimately, the thought of failing to make this outing happen for my son made me feel even more inadequate.
This seemingly innocuous phrase—“Can’t you just…”—can have a significant impact on parents who are already feeling overwhelmed. It serves as a reminder that their lives may not align with societal expectations. Many parents simply cannot prepare meals from scratch, squeeze in exercise, or maintain a spotless home. At times, the only solution is to acknowledge that they are doing just fine, even if that means indulging in a pint of ice cream.
I propose that we eliminate this phrase from our parenting dialogue. It is not our role to solve our friends’ problems, especially when they are already aware of potential solutions. Instead, we should offer support by saying things like, “Hey, Stouffers is actually quite tasty” or “We watched hours of TV daily, and we turned out alright.” It’s tempting to offer advice, but sometimes the best thing we can do is reassure someone that they’re managing just fine.
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In summary, let’s strive to foster an environment where parents feel supported rather than pressured to be perfect. The journey of parenthood is complex, and sometimes, simply being present is more than enough.