There was a time when the offensive f-word dominated conversations, only to be succeeded by the c-word. Occasionally, I stumble across an x-word that leaves me scratching my head. The alphabet is lined with treacherous letters, each designed to provoke shock, evoke shame, spark laughter, and challenge our refined sensibilities.
No consonant is free from guilt, and no vowel remains untouched. Recently, the infamous p-word resurfaced in a political context—one that many of us can certainly recall. That single term sent waves of moral outrage across the nation. Personally, I hold no ill will towards the p-word; I’ve even affectionately referred to it while talking about my cat or a willow tree.
However, there exists another p-word that truly irritates me: polite. I refuse to impose it on my daughters.
As a mother of two girls, I can attest that they are generally respectful. They accept criticism with grace—sometimes. They never talk back—except when it comes to their parents. We ensured they understood these expectations long before they were potty trained.
Yet, there are moments when they need to express their opinions and assert themselves, regardless of age. Unfortunately, the standards we’ve set, along with the fear and stigma associated with being im(polite), have made them susceptible to being overlooked. I will admit, even I occasionally fall prey to this mindset.
So why do we continue to wield the p-word against our otherwise wonderful daughters, especially when they need to stand up for themselves? Why do we equate this notion with a lack of self-advocacy? It’s an antiquated belief that keeps us submissive and voiceless. This word must be discarded.
My 10-year-old is a gymnast—cautious and slightly fearful of heights, yet she gives her all. However, her coach often resorts to backhanded motivation:
- “What are you? A baby?”
- “The 7-year-olds are doing this!”
- “You should be throwing yourself off the beam like everyone else!”
If he truly understood my daughter, he would know that approach only paralyzes her with fear and diminishes her confidence. After a recent practice, she came to me in tears, saying, “He told me I’d never be a good gymnast if I don’t push myself.” She expressed a desire to quit.
While the coach’s theory is based on truth—progress does require effort—name-calling can leave lasting emotional scars. Rather than confront him about his language, I encourage my daughter to advocate for herself, to dismiss the insults, and to give him a firm look. But she’s too—wait for it—polite.
This isn’t an isolated case. Many women have experienced unwanted attention, such as being told to “smile more.” We’ve learned to tolerate inappropriate behavior, often apologizing for our discomfort and sugarcoating our critiques with compliments. We learn to keep quiet when faced with unwelcome advances and comply with demands from older relatives.
Instead of fostering acceptance of such behavior, we should be teaching our girls to assert themselves. There is a clear time and place for statements like “That doesn’t work for me,” or “I’m sorry, but no,” or “Thanks for your input, Coach, but I don’t respond to threats. And by the way, I’m working without a net here!”
Standing up for ourselves is not synonymous with rudeness. While rudeness is never acceptable, being our own advocates is crucial. Just as we swat away mosquitoes, we must learn to push back against those who disrespect us.
In the end, I’m grateful my daughters are good girls. Even when they navigate the tumultuous teenage years (my other daughter is a teen—need I say more?). I will continue to nurture kindness, empathy, and understanding in them. We are not uncivilized beings.
However, if anyone dares to impose unreasonable expectations of politeness on my children, I will support them in standing their ground, even if it leads to being labeled with the b-word. That’s a label I can accept.
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In summary, the concept of politeness should not suppress our daughters’ voices. It’s vital to teach them to advocate for themselves and not be silenced by outdated expectations.