It’s interesting how we often become blind to the toxicity embedded in certain social concepts. Just like the outdated custom of a man seeking a woman’s father’s permission to propose, or the expectation that a woman should simply ask for help when her partner isn’t contributing equally at home, we continue to accept many harmful double standards as the norm.
Take the term “friend zone,” for instance. I can’t pinpoint exactly when I first heard this phrase used to describe a man who falls short of winning over a woman he’s interested in, only to be relegated to a so-called “zone” of friendship. It seems like this term has always existed, and it wasn’t until I stumbled upon a TikTok video recently that I recognized its toxic implications.
In the video, comedian Jamie Brooks critiques the “friend zone” concept, saying, “What you really mean is, you acted nice to her, and she didn’t sleep with you. Now you feel wronged!” It’s a bit embarrassing to admit that even as someone who identifies as a feminist, I hadn’t considered the term in this light. For me, “friend zone” was just a humorous way to express rejection. Yet, I realize that many still perceive it this way, and I can already anticipate the comments saying, “Do we really need to analyze everything so deeply?”
However, this is a conversation worth having, especially today as we confront many ingrained toxic behaviors we’ve previously overlooked. Rejection is painful; no one can deny that unreciprocated affection can feel devastating. But the issue with the “friend zone” rhetoric is twofold. Firstly, it suggests manipulation on the part of the man who, having been “nice,” expects a specific reward. When that expectation isn’t met, the woman he approached is suddenly viewed as the villain, while he sees himself as a victim in a game he initiated. Secondly, as Brooks points out, “What kind of person gets upset about gaining a friend?”
Interestingly, the term “friend zone” originated from the popular ‘90s sitcom “Friends.” In one episode, Joey tells Ross he’s now in the “friend zone” because he waited too long to make a move on Rachel. This concept has since spread widely and was even incorporated into Urban Dictionary in 2003, defined as the status achieved after failing to impress a woman. The discussion around it has evolved, with some recognizing the problematic nature of the term right from the start. A popular meme featuring Morpheus from “The Matrix” states, “What if I told you friend zoning is nonsense because women aren’t machines you feed kindness coins to for sex?”
There’s a significant cultural trend of placing the responsibility for managing men’s emotions and behaviors on women. From dress codes to navigating rejection without hurting a man’s ego, it often falls on women to do the emotional labor. This situation is alarming, as it suggests that women must protect men’s feelings while men are often allowed to feel aggrieved.
No one should feel guilty for choosing a path that doesn’t align with someone else’s romantic hopes. A woman’s friendship should not be considered valuable only if it leads to something sexual. Moreover, men should not accept “friend zone” status with the expectation of eventually “levelling up.” Friendship should never be used as a tool to manipulate someone into a sexual relationship.
Let’s stop treating it as if it is.
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In summary, the term “friend zone” perpetuates harmful stereotypes about gender dynamics and relationships. It suggests that kindness should have strings attached, and that friendships are only valuable if they lead to romance or sex. We need to challenge this toxic notion and recognize the importance of genuine platonic relationships.