The First Circle:
Ah, the remnants of infancy—the toys bought in blissful ignorance, filled with dreams and excitement long before your little one arrived. Those delightful “$42 for a squeaky toy? It’s cheaper than going out to eat!” purchases. Remember those early days of joy and anticipation? That ridiculous squeaky giraffe now mocks you from the towering pile of toys.
The Second Circle:
No harmful materials for our precious child! All toys must be crafted from wood, made of organic materials, and adorned with dyes derived from pomegranates. And heaven forbid any commercial characters invade our child’s pristine, untouched mind.
The Third Circle:
MY NAME IS ELMO! WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND? LET’S SING A SONG! LET’S COUNT TO TWENTY! LET’S KEEP YELLING LOUDER THAN A ’93 NIRVANA CONCERT! AND, LET’S MAKE SURE THE BATTERIES EXPLODE JUST ENOUGH TO STICK THE ON/OFF SWITCH IN A MELTED STATE OF CHAOS, MAKING ME IMPOSSIBLE TO TURN OFF. HEE HEE HEEEEEEEEEE. ELMO LOVES FUN JUST AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE UNINTERRUPTED SHOWER TIME.
The Fourth Circle:
A teacher at preschool mentioned fine motor skills, and suddenly we’re all in. Let’s buy massive Duplos and marble runs, trying to piece them together with the collective frustration of “Why won’t anything stay together?” and “Why are we always crying?”
The Fifth Circle:
Superheroes, superheroes everywhere, oh the endless superheroes!
The Sixth Circle:
The federal government has decided your child is finally old enough not to swallow every colorful piece of plastic they encounter. Huzzah! However, the government will not pay for a new vacuum after your trusty Dirt Devil devours sixteen handfuls of Lego hair.
The Seventh Circle:
Sunshine is lovely, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to create art with chalk, chase bubbles, or launch foam rockets at the neighbors’ windows? Yes? YES! NOW GET OUTSIDE. DO NOT BRING THE ROCKET INSIDE. LEAVE THE HOUSE, PLEASE.
The Eighth Circle:
This is the circle of We Should Spend More Quality Time Together. The I’m Sorry You Fractured Your Foot While Jumping Off The Geodesic Dome circle. This is the Circle of Older Children, where we’re confronted with “We have so much stuff, what could possibly entertain us without taking up more space?” It’s the cooking toys circle. Doesn’t chopping tomatoes for dinner sound delightful? Of course, it does! Doesn’t using this small-hand designed peeler to prep potatoes sound fun? Absolutely! This is the circle of exhausted parents everywhere, the circle of “For the love of all that is holy, can someone else cook dinner, please? Can’t I just get thirty minutes on the treadmill?” quiet weeping.
The Ninth Circle:
Nothing costs less than $200. Nothing at all. Except for accessories. Then you find yourself thinking, “Eh, $42 for a case/charger/bag? Sure, I could use that for dinner, but it’ll only cover a couple of hours of babysitting. By the time we factor in parking, drinks, and dinner… shoot, $200 is a steal!”
This article was originally published on March 27, 2015.
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Summary:
This humorous exploration of the various stages of toy ownership highlights the chaos and absurdity faced by parents. From the innocent purchases made in anticipation of a child’s arrival to the overwhelming number of toys that fill the home, each circle represents a unique challenge in the parenting journey.