August 23, 2017
Photo by SanyaSM / iStock
One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received as a new mom came from a colleague shortly after I returned from maternity leave following the birth of my twins. “You’re always going to have to make sacrifices,” she said. “You can’t give 100% to your family, friends, work, or anything else. Aim to be okay with giving, say, 75% to each.”
This insight hit home because it highlighted a truth many mothers grapple with: the pursuit of “having it all” is a futile endeavor. You can put in all your effort, but inevitably, something will falter. Something will be neglected. Something will start clamoring for your attention. For me, that something was my health.
The concept of “having it all” varies for everyone, which is one reason it remains an unattainable goal. My own idea was shaped by traditional standards that have long influenced women. It meant always appearing polished, maintaining a stylish and spotless home, raising well-behaved children, and excelling in a demanding career.
After my twins arrived, I attempted to revert to my pre-baby perfectionist lifestyle. Well-meaning friends advised me to seize nap times for rest, but my mind has always been too active for that. While the babies napped, I tackled the never-ending chores: washing bottles, managing laundry, and scrubbing countertops. Once they were awake and fed, I took them on long walks, getting fresh air for them and a bit of exercise for myself—a win-win, or so I thought.
Except it wasn’t.
Two months postpartum, I hit a wall. While prepping bottles, a wave of nausea and dizziness washed over me, accompanied by a surge of panic. The room swirled, and my legs felt like jelly. Thus began a new chapter of my life, marked by anxiety and physical symptoms that led me to believe something was seriously wrong with my heart or brain.
Having battled generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks for most of my life, I had previously found relief through therapy and self-education. Yet, the symptoms I experienced after becoming a mother were reminiscent of the past—only now they were amplified.
Despite these signs, I pressed on. I returned to work, waking at 5 a.m. to be in the office by 7:30 a.m., juggling pumping sessions and working through lunch. After clocking out at 4:30 p.m., I’d shift into “mommy mode” for the next several hours, often collapsing into bed by nightfall.
After several near-fainting episodes during meetings and, more alarmingly, while caring for my children, I recognized the need to consult a doctor and make significant lifestyle changes.
Eight months, five doctors, two MRIs, one CT scan, 30 days of wearing a heart monitor, and numerous other tests later, I finally received the relief of knowing I was physically healthy. Now, my focus is on maintaining that health.
I’ve started seeing a therapist, enforcing lunch breaks, and squeezing in yoga sessions when I can. Writing again has helped me reconnect with my former self. I’m also praying more often and, most importantly, allowing myself to take a breather.
I’ve shifted my focus to celebrating small victories at home and work, taking time to acknowledge my efforts in navigating challenging parenting moments. I find humor in the chaos of cranky, sleepless babies and am cultivating an appreciation for the messiness of life that makes it so vibrant.
Ultimately, I’ve come to realize that I don’t actually want it all. I don’t need perfectly behaved children. Of course, I hope for respectful kids, but I also want them to be assertive, to voice their concerns, and to be fiercely curious. While picture-perfect homes are appealing, they require extensive upkeep. I’d prefer to invest my time and money in creating wonderful memories instead.
Anxiety still lingers, but I trust it will continue to diminish. When someone calls me a “super mom” or comments on how “together” I seem, I take it as a cue to reassess my own expectations. I pause to ensure I’m not overextending myself.
My hope is that one day, we moms will stop feeling pressured to “have it all.” If we encounter someone who seems to have it all together, let’s dig a little deeper to ensure she’s truly okay, that she isn’t exhausting herself in pursuit of an impossible standard. Let’s remind her that she already possesses everything she needs.
For more on empowering your journey to parenthood, check out these insights. If you’re looking to boost your fertility, explore this guide. For further information on pregnancy and home insemination, this resource is excellent.
Summary
The pursuit of “having it all” is a challenging and often detrimental goal for mothers. It leads to sacrifices in health and well-being. This article explores the author’s journey through anxiety and the realization that embracing imperfection and focusing on what truly matters—like nurturing bold, curious children and creating lasting memories—is more fulfilling than striving for an impossible ideal.