Navigating the complexities of life alongside my partner, Nathan, has been a journey filled with challenges. Over the years, as we managed our household, switched careers, and welcomed children into our lives, I found myself adopting a soldier-like mentality. I trudged through the murky waters of communication and climbed the steep hills of discussions about household responsibilities and parenting. My goal was to craft a strategy that would help Nathan understand me better, ensuring that our commitment to each other—made before family and, ultimately, before God—remained strong.
I thought I was executing this plan effectively until I uncovered a significant flaw. My focus had become so narrow, fixated on the immediate issues, that I lost sight of the broader picture. As I poured my feelings onto paper or wrote him letters detailing his missteps and my grievances, I was staring down at the ground. Even during my long walks to sort through my emotions, my gaze was downward. The same went for the times I responded to him with silence or passive-aggressive behavior.
It’s all too easy to get caught up in this downward gaze. We can become so absorbed in our own worlds that we forget to lift our heads and see the bigger landscape around us. While journaling has its merits and letter writing can be constructive, after 16 years of marriage, I’ve learned that a much more effective starting point is self-reflection. Unfortunately, I often found myself focused on what was wrong.
This isn’t to diminish my anger or invalidate my feelings. Nathan would readily admit to his share of mistakes over the years (and, truth be told, I have my own). In my early years as a wife, I often simmered in silence, compiling a mental list of grievances to justify my anger. I focused inward and downward, letting the tension build.
Eventually, I would reach a boiling point where I couldn’t contain my feelings any longer, and I would erupt. My words, often tinged with tears and frustration, were harmful—things I regret saying. Thankfully, Nathan has always been patient enough to listen as I vented my frustrations. After the storm passed, we would find a way to discuss the underlying issues. Unfortunately, this was our cycle for quite some time.
However, at the 16-year mark, things have changed significantly. Now, when I feel anger rising, my instinct isn’t to lash out or fortify my list of grievances. Instead, I consciously make an effort to look up—both literally and metaphorically. I strive to view the situation from a different angle and accept my role in the conflict. Although I might still feel justified in my anger, I’ve learned that expressing my feelings with a broader perspective tends to result in healthier outcomes.
Every day, I aim to look up. This mindset shift hasn’t erased our challenges or granted us flawless communication. Instead, it has made our journey smoother and our interactions less painful. It has shifted my focus from merely being right to finding solutions. Most importantly, I’m reminded of the man I fell in love with 16 years ago, who is still right there beside me.
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In summary, after years of marriage, the most valuable lesson learned is to shift focus from self-righteousness to perspective and understanding. This change has improved communication and fostered a deeper connection with my partner.