My son’s adoption isn’t a secret; I actually write a blog about our journey. However, many aspects of his birth story are private. While I’m open to sharing more with those genuinely interested in adoption, I often find that questions stem from mere curiosity rather than a desire to learn. In those cases, I politely remind people that Levon’s birth narrative is his and his birth mother’s to tell, not mine. On occasions, after a glass of wine, I might simply respond with, “What makes you ask that?” This prompts the person to reflect on their intentions behind the inquiry.
Here’s a candid take on some of the most frequently posed questions I receive.
How old was his birth mother?
You might be asking how old I was when Levon was born, which is 32. But I know you’re really wondering about his birth mother’s age. Let’s be honest: if she were a teenager, it would make her decision to place him for adoption more understandable to you. If she wasn’t, you might feel justified in your judgments. Please remember that there is never an appropriate context for this question.
Why did she place him for adoption?
First off, let’s clarify our terminology: we say “placed for adoption,” not “gave up.” The latter implies abandonment, which is not the case with adoption. I understand the curiosity; many people can’t fathom making such a choice. If you’re interested in learning more about the experiences of birth mothers, I recommend exploring their stories on social media. They can be enlightening and inspiring. However, my son’s birth mother’s journey is hers to share, not mine.
Why did you choose adoption?
What you might really want to know is whether I had trouble having biological children. I can assure you that this doesn’t bother me personally, but it’s an emotionally charged question for many women who have faced infertility. I chose adoption because my own mother was adopted, and it has always been my dream to grow my family this way.
Will you have any biological children?
Aside from the three kids I already have? What you’re really asking is if I plan to have any biological children. It would be more respectful to ask if I intend to have “more” children. This opens up a dialogue where I can share our hopes of adopting again or even pursuing biological parenthood, or simply say that we’re done since my husband is nearing 70 by the time our youngest leaves home.
Why was he born early?
When people find out that Levon was born ten weeks premature, they often ask why. Many don’t even realize he’s adopted. I understand their curiosity, but I gently explain that the details of his birth mother’s pregnancy are not mine to disclose. I’m happy to share my own experiences, like how I was shopping at Target when I got the call about his birth, or the amusingly inappropriate clothes I packed for my flight to meet him. But anything regarding his delivery is solely his birth mother’s story.
I’ve noticed that when I phrase it gently, people usually respect my boundaries and respond positively to my statement about not sharing those details. I love discussing my journey as an adoptive mother, but anything prior to my arrival at the hospital is not my narrative to tell.
For more insights on adoption and family planning, feel free to check out this link. You can also find valuable information on fertility and home insemination at Science Daily.
Summary:
Adoption brings with it a myriad of questions, many of which can be intrusive or inappropriate. It’s important to respect the privacy of birth mothers and understand the complexities surrounding adoption. Sharing our journey is fulfilling, but certain details belong solely to those who lived them.