At 28, I found myself in a seemingly perfect life—married to my college sweetheart, an established writer, and teaching at a university in New York City. With everything falling into place, it seemed like the ideal time to start a family.
However, there are realities of motherhood that no one prepares you for. It’s not just about the fact that parenting books won’t provide a one-size-fits-all solution; rather, you’ll have to piece together advice from various sources to discover what truly works for you. Or that the overwhelming love you feel for your child can coexist with an urge to escape from it all. The exhaustion in those early months can be so profound that you’ll find it hard to remember what a full night’s sleep felt like—even after your child starts sleeping through the night.
What truly stands out, however, is the transformation of your identity. In a heartbeat, you transition from being a woman, partner, professional, and creative individual to simply being a MOTHER. This new title often overshadows all the previous aspects of your identity, whether you like it or not.
Then comes the task of figuring out how to navigate this new role while juggling diaper changes, sleepless nights, and the chaos of early parenthood. This identity shift is one of the most challenging experiences for new mothers. I observe it in friends who become mothers, as well as in countless others I’ve met since embarking on my own motherhood journey. It hit me hard during my initial years as a mom.
It all started when I sat on the couch, cradling my newborn daughter, and realized that my primary desire was to care for her for as long as it took. Yet, it wasn’t a straightforward thought process; it was messy. There was pressure—both internal and external—to return to my teaching career, a job that seemed prestigious but ultimately didn’t fulfill my heart. I had to let go of my envisioned future as a tenured professor in a distant state.
Most importantly, I struggled to balance spending quality time with my children while managing our finances. I faced the reality that some people in my life might not understand my decision to stay at home with my kids, which they made abundantly clear. Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact that their opinions held no weight; the choice of whether to work or stay home is deeply personal and influenced by numerous factors. Every mother will carve her own path based on what suits her family best.
Amidst all this, I was nursing at odd hours, barely sleeping, cleaning up messes, and neglecting basic self-care—all while managing the delightful chaos of motherhood.
Take a breath. Exhale.
Fast forward eight years to my first days as a mom, and I realize I’ve hardly had time to reflect. Recently, while pushing my energetic toddler in a stroller on a sunny April day, I caught a glimpse of myself from another perspective and thought, “There’s a mother who seems at ease with who she is.”
And, to some extent, I was.
I don’t believe there’s a universal roadmap for motherhood; my journey has certainly been anything but linear. Each of us is a work in progress, navigating unique struggles, desires, and ways to make it all work.
I wish someone had informed me that it’s perfectly normal to feel as if the person I once was has shattered into countless pieces. I wish I had known that it’s normal for the love I felt for my child to be both exhilarating and overwhelming, filled with joy and tinged with confusion and fear.
Above all, I wish someone had assured me that I would eventually gather those fragments of myself, reassembling them into a new version that shines, refracts light, and creates beauty.
I wish someone had told me I’d emerge from this transformative experience not just intact but empowered—stronger, more resilient than ever—a mother.
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Summary:
Motherhood often brings an unexpected and profound shift in identity, challenging new mothers to navigate the complexities of their new role. This transition can feel overwhelming yet ultimately leads to a stronger, more resilient self. Embracing the chaos and the transformative love for one’s children can help mothers reclaim their identity.