I vividly recall the moment everything shifted for me. It was as if I had slapped myself awake. Dressed sharply for work, I was lugging three bags and hurrying after my kids on their scooters. In my frantic rush to get everyone out the door for school, my temper flared.
It wasn’t just a bit of raised voices; I was genuinely angry. I lost control, physically pushing them into their shoes and coats, practically throwing them out the door. The overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, and regret washed over me. Thankfully, nothing truly terrible occurred, but the potential was there. I was not in control.
In that instant, I acknowledged a harsh truth: I was becoming the angry dad I never wanted to be, and I needed to make a change immediately.
That was five years ago. Since that pivotal day, I have dedicated a significant amount of effort to becoming more patient and understanding what it truly means to be a good parent. It’s been a journey filled with learning, self-exploration, trying and failing, and late-night reflections in a quiet house while my family slept.
I delved into child development, exploring what occurs in our brains and bodies when anger strikes, and how to create a space between emotional reactions and real-world actions. I could probably write a book on this journey; in the meantime, here are some key insights I’ve gained.
Understanding Your Kids
First and foremost, your kids aren’t intentionally trying to upset you. When we feel anger, we often become self-centered, focusing on our feelings and assuming malicious intent. I’ve come to understand that their actions usually stem from something physical—they might be tired, hungry, or in need of a bathroom break—or something emotional, like friendship issues or feeling neglected because of a sibling or work commitments. They depend on us for love and reassurance, and their actions reflect their own struggles rather than a desire to provoke us.
Occasionally, they might act out of malice, but even then, the deeper reasons for their behavior are often buried beneath the surface. If we don’t seek to understand them, we’ll miss the opportunity to address it.
The Impact of Anger
Moreover, when we express anger, it’s painful for our children. Often, we instinctively distance ourselves from those around us—saying things like, “I need space” or “I can’t handle this right now.” While we may need that space to regain our composure, it’s crucial to reassure our kids that we will return to them. They love us and want to make us happy. When we lash out, it can lead to feelings of shame and sadness for them.
It requires maturity to reflect on a situation, recognize what went wrong, admit our part in it, and commit to doing better next time. It’s much easier to blame them. Once I grasped how my anger impacted my children, I felt a wave of shame, but I used that feeling to spur my transformation.
Communicating Feelings
I still find myself getting angry at times, but I’ve learned to communicate my feelings. I’ll tell them I’m feeling frustrated and will resume the conversation once I’ve calmed down. If I miss the moment, I always return to take responsibility for my actions, apologizing when necessary and explaining my feelings. It’s about mending the temporary rift caused by anger rather than allowing it to fester.
Setting Realistic Expectations
Additionally, our lives are often too fast-paced. Emails, deadlines, and endless to-do lists dominate adult life, while children navigate the world at their own pace. They’re engaged in significant work—learning emotional self-regulation, establishing healthy relationships, and developing self-respect and resilience. This process is challenging and time-consuming, and we often forget how difficult it can be.
When we set expectations that exceed what our children are capable of, we inadvertently fill the gap with impatience and frustration, leaving them feeling shameful for not meeting our standards. It isn’t about lowering expectations; it’s about learning where to set them accurately.
Taking Responsibility
Finally, we must recognize that our impatience and anger are our responsibilities. Once we accept this and commit to change, we can transform our relationships for the better. It’s a straightforward journey, but it requires persistence. In doing so, not only does our relationship with our children improve, but so does our self-control and clarity of thought.
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In summary, recognizing the need for change in my parenting approach has been a transformative experience. Through understanding, patience, and responsibility, I’ve learned how to foster a healthier relationship with my children—one that prioritizes their emotional well-being and my growth as a parent.