I once considered myself intelligent. With a college degree earned with honors, I’m convinced my mind functioned quite efficiently. I can vaguely recall a time when I could concentrate deeply on tasks without distraction. Vaguely.
Imagine a carnival ride where you sit in a spinning car that rotates around in circles, while another set of cars spins in the opposite direction, and the entire ride spins too. As a child, we called that ride The Whirligig. That’s what my mind feels like now, constantly whirling in every direction due to the demands of motherhood.
At times, it might seem like I can write coherent thoughts, but what’s unseen are the numerous typos I’ve erased in this very paragraph. You also can’t see that I’ve toggled between writing this and three other projects, all while managing a flurry of tasks—feeding kids, settling disputes, searching for a lost tablet, tackling homework questions, and creating a grocery list—all within the last twenty minutes.
It’s as if motherhood has gifted me with adult-onset attention deficit disorder. My ability to focus on one task has dwindled to mere moments. Initially, this scattered focus was only apparent when my kids were around, but now it intrudes upon my precious alone time as well. Even during a rare hour of quiet, my thoughts bounce around uncontrollably:
- Are the kids consuming excess sugar?
- They might be getting too much screen time; I need to address that.
- I wonder if we have snow gear that fits everyone? Those items can be pricey.
- How will we manage college expenses? What if they don’t wish to attend right away?
- Can’t forget about the karate performance coming up.
- I must finalize that work draft by tomorrow.
- Did I note the contact for that anxiety specialist?
- The house is a disaster; I ought to fix that too.
- Should I enroll BoyWonder in music lessons?
- Did I leave laundry in the washing machine?
While my mind has always wandered, it’s never been this chaotic. There are simply SO. MANY. THINGS to juggle.
Organization provides some relief, but even that feels like an additional responsibility. I could spend an entire day just drafting to-do lists, as there’s always something clamoring for my attention. Time is never on my side.
I often fantasize about escaping to a tranquil destination, a place where I could enjoy a few peaceful days to clear my mind. But would I truly relax, or would I spend the time worrying about how my family is faring? Is it possible I’ll never regain the ability to focus for extended periods again?
At times, I ponder whether my current situation is to blame. Maybe it would be different if I weren’t working. Or perhaps if I worked outside the home instead of remotely. Maybe if we weren’t homeschooling. More sleep could help. Or winning the lottery to hire help with meals, cleaning, yard work, and tutoring might do the trick.
But then again, probably not. With the lives of multiple individuals intricately intertwined with my own, feeling scattered seems inevitable, no matter the circumstances. This is simply the essence of motherhood: the responsibilities, the relationships, the chaos, the late-night awakenings, the care routines, the constant worries, the various phases of growth, and the lessons to teach—all while trying to maintain my own identity.
It’s overwhelming. Little wonder I can’t think straight.
Ironically, The Whirligig was once my favorite ride as a child. Now, it leaves me feeling queasy, as if I’m perpetually spinning in my mind.
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Summary
Motherhood can feel like a dizzying whirlwind that scatters our focus and attention. Juggling countless responsibilities while trying to maintain personal clarity is a common struggle. Amidst this chaos, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and question whether we will ever regain our concentration.