By: Clara Mendoza
Updated: Sep. 14, 2021
When I saw my mother’s name flash on my phone, a familiar sense of dread washed over me. I was five months pregnant with my first child, and our conversations had been scarce since I shared the news with her. I could sense her anger through the persistent calls. Sitting in my small apartment, where I hoped to escape her verbal attacks, I felt the tension rise as she called again and again. Eventually, I answered, my body tensing in anticipation. I don’t recall what triggered her fury, but the words that followed were seared into my memory: “I wish you weren’t my daughter.” It was a painful jab, and I crumbled, overwhelmed with frustration at myself for letting it affect me so deeply. I found myself apologizing to my unborn baby, vowing to be different.
The day my daughter arrived, I could not fathom ever being that cruel to anyone—especially my own child. But I soon realized that a profound wound lingered within me, one I had traced back to the hurt my mother had inflicted. I resolved to heal what I now understood to be my Madre Wound, though initially, I simply labeled it as pain.
As time passed, I discovered that many women shared similar wounds. I joined online communities of daughters dealing with their own Madre Wounds, where we expressed our collective grief over the absence of maternal love and support we craved. We felt isolated, unsure of ourselves, and yearned for healing.
I learned that my “Madre Wound” was unique; my mother was not like the white mothers often discussed in mainstream narratives. While some behaviors matched, my mother’s experience as a Brown immigrant brought an entirely different context shaped by colonialism, migration, and systemic racism. This, intertwined with the patriarchal pressures she faced, created a complex dynamic in our relationship.
My Madre Wound manifested as a debilitating belief that I was a burden whenever I sought help. I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, oscillating between feeling inferior to others and superior. This internal turmoil made me anxious around older women and authority figures, leaving me questioning my worth. The disconnect between my mind and body became evident, a hallmark of the Madre Wound, which treated us as machines rather than whole beings, valuing rigid standards dictated by patriarchy.
In patriarchal societies, women, particularly those from Latin American backgrounds, often bear the weight of assimilating while maintaining cultural expectations that demand subservience to machista ideals. These expectations can lead mothers to exert control over their children as a misguided attempt to reclaim their lost power. Daughters, in turn, are often confined by gender norms, inhibiting their ability to express themselves freely.
If you are a Latina mother, I encourage you to examine how your Madre Wound manifests in your life. Do you find yourself comparing to others? Do you feel shame in expressing your voice? Here are some steps to begin the healing process:
- Acknowledge and Hold Dualities
Recognizing that our mothers were victims of their circumstances while we were also harmed allows us to separate our identities from theirs without guilt. - Refuse to be a Victim of the Madre Wound
Understand that you are not alone; many women are eager to break free from the constraints of the Madre Wound. This awareness can empower you and diminish feelings of victimhood. - Reparent Your Inner Child
Nurture your Inner Niña with compassion, care, and discernment. While the journey may be challenging, it will lead to liberation in the long run. - Cultivate a Relationship with Your Inner Madre
Healing allows us to form a bond with an Inner Madre who embodies strength and nurturing, free from the wounds of our upbringing. - Practice Patience
Healing is not instantaneous. Expect fluctuations in your emotional state; some days will feel heavier than others.
The journey to healing the Madre Wound is filled with both peaks and valleys. When you encounter pain, recognize it for what it is and seek community support. By addressing this wound, we can strive to avoid passing it onto our daughters, creating a more conscious legacy for future generations.
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Summary:
The Madre Wound is a complex emotional pain often experienced by daughters of immigrant mothers, particularly in Latin American contexts. It stems from historical trauma linked to colonialism and patriarchal pressures. Healing involves recognizing these dualities, reparenting oneself, and developing a nurturing inner voice. By acknowledging our wounds, we can strive to break free from destructive patterns and foster healthier relationships with our own children.