I owe a debt of gratitude to my sister for her straightforwardness when she pointed out the unsightly moles on my back. I was busy trying on wedding dresses, admiring my reflection when she noticed the oddly large and multi-hued spots on my skin. “Those moles look terrible. You need to do something about them,” she said bluntly, insisting I visit a dermatologist immediately. It turns out one of those moles was melanoma, a fast-growing and deadly form of skin cancer. A biopsy revealed that it had been developing for quite some time—which confirmed my knack for ignoring things, even when they itch, hurt, or develop crusty scabs.
I can’t say I’m proud of my ability to procrastinate on uncomfortable matters. However, I will always be thankful to my sister for her honesty. Because of her, I’m still here today. I left the experience with a four-inch scar on my back but also the relief that the cancer hadn’t spread to nearby lymph nodes. I was fortunate.
There have been countless moments where the courage to speak up has proven essential. That’s why I’m resolving to be more direct in the upcoming year, especially when it’s tough. I used to pride myself on being polite and accommodating. Growing up in the Midwest, I believed it was my responsibility to be as friendly and approachable as the girl next door.
This mindset often led me to stay silent, even when I saw a college friend becoming overly consumed by her boyfriend, neglecting her studies and other friendships. When her freshman year ended and we had drifted apart, she lamented, “Why didn’t you say something to me?” She regretted squandering a year on a guy who wasn’t right for her. I had no satisfactory answer because, truthfully, I lacked the courage to speak up. It’s no surprise our friendship didn’t last beyond that year.
I often wonder why it’s so difficult for me to articulate blunt truths. I’ve received my fair share of direct comments, many of which have empowered me. A memorable instance was when an older church friend told me sternly, “You don’t have to keep making that Amish friendship bread!” I had been diligently baking and sharing it with her and others, thinking I couldn’t break the cycle. Her remark forced me to reevaluate my habits, leading me to stop baking the bread, start exercising, and return to healthier eating.
Yet, when I found myself at the grocery store standing in line behind a man with a large mole on the back of his head—one displaying all the warning signs of melanoma—I couldn’t bring myself to speak up. It was larger than a pencil eraser, had irregular borders, was multi-colored, and had a crusty scab. The line moved painfully slow, and I nearly mustered the courage to tell him, “You should get that mole checked out,” but I hesitated. As he completed his purchase, I scolded myself for being a coward.
Why is it so challenging to voice what needs to be said? Psychologists suggest that women often feel additional pressure to maintain politeness to avoid offending anyone or coming across as intrusive. However, not all women fit this mold, as some of my friends have confidently spoken their minds.
Here are five reasons psychologists believe I and other women should be more vocal:
- Speaking candidly enhances your confidence, credibility, and trustworthiness. When people know you don’t sugarcoat the truth, they often respect you more—and it might even lead to a raise at work.
- Expressing your true thoughts and feelings is better for your emotional health, reducing stress and anxiety. Bottling up emotions can lead to resentment and damage relationships.
- Your unique perspective is valuable. Sharing your insights can illuminate situations, allowing for better-informed decisions.
- Others might share your concerns but lack the courage to voice them. By speaking up, you may inspire them to do the same, amplifying the potential for change.
- The anxiety of not expressing yourself can lead to health issues over time, including tension headaches and insomnia. Speaking your mind can alleviate some of that stress.
While I believe in the importance of politeness and good manners, there are moments when honesty must take precedence. Therefore, in 2020, I resolve to be more forthright and candid. I know I’ll need a lot of practice, but thankfully, I have plenty of friends and family to help me out. Who knows? I might even muster the bravery to approach a stranger in the grocery line next time. For more insights on speaking up and effective communication, check out this blog post, and for expert advice on health and wellness, visit this resource.
In summary, embracing honesty over politeness can lead to stronger relationships and better health. As I embark on this journey of speaking up, I hope to inspire others to do the same.