Recently, I found myself lecturing my 12-year-old son, Jake, after he got into a bit of trouble in his gardening class. Apparently, he and a friend decided to stray from the school garden and began hitting random trees with a rake, trying to break it. To make matters worse, his mother—my wife—was teaching the class at the time. While this mischief might not rank high on the list of serious offenses during junior high, it was definitely a moment of embarrassment for her to have to deal with her son being caught by the principal.
I told Jake that his antics were pretty foolish, especially given the situation, and I couldn’t believe his mother didn’t give him a stern talking-to right then and there. He looked down, clearly ashamed. Once I finished addressing his behavior, I made sure to tell him, “I want you to know that even though what you did was out of line, I love you.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve had a similar conversation with my kids, and it certainly won’t be the last. Saying “I love you” has become a staple in our household. Every morning before I leave for work, I hug my kids and remind them of my love. When I return home, I repeat the sentiment. I can’t recall a single day in the past 12 years of fatherhood when I didn’t express my love for them. I often wonder if I overdo it, but the truth is, I didn’t hear those words often enough from my own parents.
My childhood was marked by instability. My father faced legal troubles due to a drug addiction, and my mother struggled as a single parent. But when I was 14, I moved in with my grandmother, who made it a point to tell me she loved me multiple times a day. Even after a lecture, she always ended with those three words. It didn’t matter how I performed or what mistakes I made; her love was unconditional.
At the time, I didn’t think much of it, and I felt embarrassed when she expressed her feelings in front of my friends. However, looking back, I realize that her unwavering love created a sense of security that I now want to pass on to my own children.
I express my love to my kids in various situations—whether I’m upset with them or proud of their accomplishments. I want them to know that no matter who they become or what they do, my love is steadfast. It’s not something they have to earn; it’s simply a foundational aspect of our relationship. My love acts as their safety net, their parachute, their soft landing.
This approach doesn’t mean I shy away from holding them accountable. I set high expectations and address issues when they don’t meet them. It doesn’t mean I overlook bad behavior; it means that my children know they are loved regardless of their actions.
Returning to the incident with Jake, after I expressed my love, he didn’t roll his eyes or argue with me. Instead, he looked up and said, “I love you too, Dad.” In that moment, it felt as if he was acknowledging that my discipline was rooted in love. This understanding didn’t come easily, but it’s clear that our bond has strengthened because I’ve consistently shown him my love.
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In summary, expressing love to your children every day is crucial for their emotional development. It fosters a sense of security, promotes open communication, and strengthens your relationship. By consistently affirming your love, you can help your children feel valued and understood, regardless of the ups and downs they face.