Updated: Dec. 13, 2019
Originally Published: June 14, 2016
After an enlightening dinner with some esteemed academics, I found myself standing at a crossroads. “I’ll finish the year,” I declared, “but I won’t return. I want to be home with the baby.” My husband, Jake, nodded in agreement. Just like that, I decided to leave my PhD program to embrace life as a stay-at-home mom. Although our plans to adopt fell through, I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant just before my final semester ended. I was overjoyed, but soon fear crept in. I experienced a threatened miscarriage, and when I finally saw the baby on the ultrasound, I was overwhelmed with tears—partly from relief but also from the weight of my emotions. I was diagnosed with prenatal depression soon after. Jake tried to be there for me, but confusion and overwhelm clouded our partnership.
Throughout that pregnancy, I struggled with illness, which made it even harder to adjust to my new role at home while Jake went back to teaching. The academic world continued without me, and I felt adrift. Suddenly, I had no classes to attend or research to conduct. Jake was busy with his teaching responsibilities, while I felt I had nothing to offer but my growing belly. Despite his reassurances that I wasn’t a burden and needed to rest, I couldn’t shake the feeling of inadequacy. I felt as though I was dragging our family down.
The following year brought a new challenge—taking care of our newborn. Jake would head off to school, leaving me alone with a tiny baby who seemed fragile and needy. The fear of being solely responsible for this new life was daunting. I found comfort in wearing him in a wrap and moving around the house, doing chores that made me feel productive. However, Jake’s dismissal of my fears left me with lingering resentment; he didn’t seem to grasp the emotional toll of being alone with the baby.
As I grew more confident in my role as a mother, I began to form friendships with other moms. I missed the structured life of academia, but I could live vicariously through Jake’s experiences. He became increasingly worried about finances and future planning, areas I struggled to engage with. His frustration grew as I resisted taking on simple financial tasks, leading to tension between us. The mention of bills or budgeting would send me into a panic, while he felt burdened by my lack of involvement.
I became pregnant again, and then once more. While I had managed my previous pregnancies with some difficulty, the third one hit hard. I was prescribed anti-nausea medication early on, which left me exhausted and incapacitated. I felt like a stay-at-home mom without the energy to fulfill that role, and the shame weighed heavily on me. Watching Jake take pictures of the kids during Easter, I felt lost and like a burden rather than an equal partner. Although he understood my illness, he couldn’t fathom why I felt so inadequate.
When our third child arrived, I resented how quickly Jake returned to work. I had just given birth and was left managing a toddler, a preschooler, and a newborn alone. My physical state from the pregnancy made everything feel monumental, and we struggled to navigate this new chapter. Mutual resentment simmered beneath the surface, complicating our ability to function as a couple or a family.
Over time, we found a rhythm. I embraced my role as a stay-at-home mom, attending co-ops and parent groups for social interaction. Though Jake admired my writing, I remained skeptical of my contributions at home. Our differing views on household responsibilities created friction, but ultimately, we learned to coexist with our contrasting perspectives. Our love endured, and we managed to make it work, despite the challenges.
If you’re looking for more insights into navigating motherhood and relationships, check out this article on home insemination kits. If you’re curious about the journey of nursing mothers, this resource provides valuable information. Lastly, for further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, this link is an excellent resource.
In summary, being a stay-at-home mom profoundly affected my marriage, bringing both challenges and growth. While I initially struggled with feelings of inadequacy and resentment, over time, we learned to navigate our roles and support one another, ultimately strengthening our bond as a couple.