When you become a parent, the warnings come pouring in: postpartum depression, which impacts 15% of new mothers; the baby blues that affect 70–80% of them, according to the American Pregnancy Association; and even postpartum anxiety, which touches around 10% of moms. We brace ourselves for exhaustion and the feeling of being overwhelmed, nodding along as we absorb this information.
But no one prepares us for the anger.
Perhaps you felt it when your newborn, despite being fed, changed, and cozy, still cried endlessly. You cradled them, and suddenly, an intense fury surged within you. You understood, in a fleeting moment, how someone could harm a child, and then guilt flooded in. You knew this innocent being didn’t intend to provoke you, and you’d never harm them, not in a million years.
Or maybe you managed to avoid this rage during the infancy stage, only to find it emerge during the toddler years. When your child threw a tantrum over a toy or made annoying sounds, something within you snapped. It was as if a beast had been unleashed, and your voice, once calm, erupted into shouts that left you feeling ashamed. You might stomp your feet or mimic the behavior of your parents when they lost their cool.
I used to be a calm person—at least, I thought I was before having children. I rarely raised my voice, except when scolding dogs for stealing my food. But after my son arrived, I found myself overwhelmed with rage at the smallest inconveniences, like his relentless requests for more glow sticks at Target or his refusal to wear the clothes I had chosen for him.
If you’re fortunate, perhaps you’ve mastered the art of swallowing your anger. My partner, Alex, can endure the simmering frustration while remaining composed, even when he feels it building within him.
But if you’re like me, you may find yourself unexpectedly yelling, the words spilling out before you can rein them in. And then you see the look of shock on your children’s faces, which deepens the shame. You’re caught in a reality that feels so contradictory—sworn to protect them, yet acting in a way you never thought you could.
The guilt that accompanies this rage is profound. You might have vowed to yourself that you’d never yell like your parents did, but here you are, feeling like you’ve let your child down. You might apologize, but it never feels sufficient.
You promise yourself you won’t lose your temper again, perhaps expressing this to your kids, who look at you with wide eyes. As you hug them, you feel the weight of uncertainty, knowing the rage could emerge again at any moment.
I wish I had more patience. I dream of being that parent who calmly mediates disputes and enforces discipline with warmth. Sure, I might manage it for a short while, but inevitably, something will trigger me, and I’ll snap. The truth is, I wish I didn’t have to feel ashamed of my emotions. There are those who seem to have a handle on their anger, and I aspire to be among them.
No one warns us about the intensity of this rage, nor the superhuman patience we will need to navigate parenting. It’s an ongoing learning process, perhaps the most challenging endeavor I’ve undertaken. Yet, I remain committed to showing up and doing my best. You likely will too.
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In summary, the journey of parenting is filled with unexpected emotions, including the often-ignored rage. While society prepares us for many challenges, the raw feelings of anger and self-doubt can catch us off guard. Understanding that we are not alone in experiencing these feelings can help us navigate this complex landscape with greater compassion for ourselves and our children.