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- The Hidden Struggle of Being Secretly Gay
by Anonymous
Updated: May 11, 2021
Originally Published: May 11, 2021
Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
I’m here; I’m queer, but I still find it challenging to fully embrace my identity. Just writing these words fills me with anxiety. My heart races, pounding against my chest, and there’s a constricting sensation around my breast — it feels like a vice is squeezing me tightly. I’m struggling to breathe, and warmth floods my body. A panic attack looms. Deep breath in, deep breath out. But this isn’t about shame for being who I am. I am a proud gay woman who accepted her sexuality last year, amid a pandemic filled with lockdowns and uncertainty. The truth is, I still live a very closeted life, and the burden of that secrecy is suffocating.
The Pressure is Immense
To clarify, a few people are aware of my identity. I’ve shared it with my partner, sister, and a couple of close friends. My therapist and psychiatrist are also in the loop. Revealing my truth to them was necessary; I couldn’t process my feelings while keeping them hidden. They’ve supported me during my darkest moments when I felt broken and lost. Yet, aside from them, my secret remains just that — a secret. Living in the shadows is cold and isolating.
I frequently find myself overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. It feels as though I’m trapped in my own skin. Sometimes I turn to alcohol to cope, having an extra glass of wine or another beer to numb the pain. I worry incessantly about how my hidden identity might impact my loved ones. Can I maintain the family I’ve built if I embrace being gay? Will I lose their love and support? I grapple with ingrained beliefs from my upbringing, particularly those instilled by my Catholic background, which dictate that my life should include marriage and children. While those dreams are still part of me, I question how they might shift when I finally reveal my true self to the world.
Understanding the Struggle
I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Millions face similar challenges with their sexuality. According to a study by the Yale School of Public Health, around 83% of individuals identifying as lesbian, gay, or bisexual keep their orientation hidden from most people in their lives. An article in the Psychiatric Times notes that many LGBTQ+ individuals experience difficulty in acknowledging their sexuality, often leading to lifelong concealment of their true selves.
The toll of living in secrecy can be severe. Many closeted individuals endure chronic mental health issues, including depression and dissociative identity disorder. Psychiatrists Sullivan and Roughton discovered that those in the closet often separate their same-sex attractions from their identity, leading to a double life and an unawareness of their inner conflict. This can result in feelings of self-loathing, sadness, and apathy. Some may even resort to substance abuse or contemplate suicide.
I have had my own dark moments, feeling increasingly withdrawn and despondent. It’s been a month since I last entertained thoughts of ending my life. But regardless of my closeted status, I want to emphasize that shame and blame are not necessary. There is hope and help available through therapy and LGBTQ support groups.
If you or someone you care about is struggling with their identity or experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek guidance from resources like GLAAD or contact The Trevor Project or the LGBT National Helpline.
This article was originally published on May 11, 2021.
Related Resources
For more insights, check out this related blog post on home insemination and resources about infertility at WomensHealth.gov. For expert advice, visit Intracervical Insemination.
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Summary
The article explores the complexities and emotional toll of living as a closeted gay individual. It shares personal experiences of anxiety and fear surrounding one’s identity while highlighting the importance of support systems and mental health resources for those grappling with similar challenges. The piece emphasizes that individuals need not endure shame and that help is available through therapy and LGBTQ support groups.