When I was expecting my son, Caleb, I could have never imagined that he would one day cause me so much pain. How could this beautiful little being, who brought endless joy and love into my life, ever hurt me? I could feel his warm spirit growing inside me, making my heart expand in ways I never thought possible.
But here I am, seven years later, listening to his voice crackle through the phone. “Mommy, I want to stay with Dad.” And in that moment, my heart fractures into countless pieces.
It has been two weeks since I last saw him, the longest stretch of time apart in our lives. I feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness. Every moment reminds me of Caleb; every experience is colored by his preferences. In the mornings, I glance at his dog, Daisy, waiting outside his room, longing to curl up next to her in anticipation of Caleb’s appearance. I gently nudge her, whispering, “I miss him too, girl.”
I had eagerly awaited this phone call. As the time approached, I felt like a teenager hoping for a date to the dance. When he calls, his voice is bright, and I can hear the laughter in his words. He’s having a blast—swimming, playing baseball, indulging in sugary cereals. But then, the comment hits me like a punch to the gut.
Realistically, who can blame him? My life is filled with routines, homework, and healthy dinners. His time with his dad is all about fun—water parks and Disney adventures, and yes, junk food. While we do have our share of enjoyable activities, they tend to blend into the fabric of daily life for a seven-year-old, overshadowed by the excitement of his dad’s visits that are more like grand celebrations.
I understand this dynamic, yet knowing the reason doesn’t lessen the sting of my heartbreak. I feel like I’ve lost a part of this “divorce” process. I never intended for our split to turn into a competition. Deep down, I had hoped that once we healed from the breakup, we could find joy in our new lives and support each other as co-parents.
I envisioned a future where, after escaping an unhealthy relationship, we would unite as a loving extended family for the sake of Caleb. How fortunate he would be, surrounded by people who love and care for him!
But that dream hasn’t materialized. Instead, each visit brings a flurry of accusations directed at me, carefully noted by my ex to use against me later. Caleb reports that I don’t pay enough attention to him, that he lacks cool clothes, that his haircut isn’t right. He even mentions things like not walking on the lines of the sidewalk and claims it’s a sign of abuse. It’s maddening! I want to scream, rush to Arizona, and reclaim my son. I want to defend myself and dig up my own list of grievances because, believe me, I have plenty of dirt to share.
I oscillate between wanting to confront my ex and wanting to have an honest conversation about how absurd this situation is. Does he not see how ridiculous this is? I want to understand why Caleb feels this way, but I can’t be sure he actually said those things.
Ultimately, I don’t want to fight. I want to forgive. When you let go of your defenses and open your heart, the one attacking you appears irrational. Choosing not to engage in conflict leaves only the option of forgiveness.
So here’s my message to you, Jack: I forgive you for trying to turn our son against me. I forgive you for creating lists filled with falsehoods. Thank you for providing Caleb with joyful experiences during his visits. I can only imagine how much it hurt you when I left. I can see the pain behind the anger. I apologize for not loving you enough to stay. But I loved Caleb enough to leave because he deserves to see the best of both of us. When we were together, he saw me as defeated and small, while you appeared angry and distant. In the end, love and forgiveness will prevail for me—even when my heart is breaking.
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Summary:
Divorce can be an incredibly painful experience, especially for parents navigating co-parenting challenges. The emotional turmoil of a child expressing a desire to live with one parent can shatter a mother’s heart. Understanding the dynamics of each parent’s situation can help ease the pain, but it doesn’t necessarily diminish it. Forgiveness becomes essential in moving forward, despite the hurtful accusations and competitive feelings that may arise.