This year has been a whirlwind of emotions—panic, anxiety, confusion, guilt, frustration, and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion. As a working mom and graduate student managing three kids during these challenging times, it’s understandable to feel this way. Recently, I encountered a new emotion tied to COVID-19: shame. A profound shame akin to being caught cheating or sneaking candy. The source of this shame? Hosting a birthday party for my 6-year-old son.
My son, a sweet middle child, often finds himself overshadowed by his older brother and younger sister. My eldest, at 8, has ADHD, which demands much of our attention. While my youngest is coddled, my middle child often misses out on the spotlight. As a fellow middle child, I understand that feeling of being overlooked. After his birthday party was canceled last fall, we promised to celebrate him this year.
As COVID-19 disrupted our lives, I began to lose hope for a celebration. However, by summer, case numbers in our area had dropped significantly. I monitored the county health dashboard daily, noting the low positivity rates. With schools reopening for in-person learning without COVID cases, I believed this was our chance to throw my son a safe birthday party. Working in public health, I felt equipped to tackle the challenge.
We opted for a large gym filled with obstacle courses for the party. The invitation included a note acknowledging that everyone has different comfort levels with risk and detailed the precautions we would implement. We reserved the entire gym, ensuring cleanliness before our arrival. At the entrance, we conducted temperature checks, provided hand sanitizer, and required masks. To minimize mask removal, we avoided serving food, offering pre-packaged cookies as guests left instead. Drinks were spaced out, and the kids enjoyed their time while adhering to safety measures. The party was a success, and joy filled the atmosphere.
Yet, as we all grow weary of the pandemic, hosting the party took its toll. The added precautions were exhausting and costly, but I believed it was a calculated risk worth taking. Unfortunately, just four days later, I received a call from the Department of Health informing me that a child from the party had tested positive for COVID-19. Soon after, the school reached out to notify attendees that their children would need to quarantine for 14 days and would be contacted by a contact tracer. The staff member who called remarked that they “shouldn’t have attended dangerous community gatherings,” adding to the embarrassment.
Despite our careful planning, I was left with feelings of guilt and shame. I questioned whether I had made a mistake. It’s a complicated situation—every parent takes risks by simply leaving the house. How do we keep our kids connected while also keeping them safe? It often feels like a delicate balance between allowing childhood experiences and managing risk. The reality is that it’s not just a snow day; it’s a frozen tundra out there. Finding a semblance of normalcy seems increasingly daunting.
This experience has taught me several valuable lessons that I hope will resonate with other parents facing similar challenges.
Words Matter.
When I spoke to the school staff member who reprimanded parents for attending the party, I emphasized that her words carried weight. They could evoke shame, anger, and fear. In moments like these, we must choose our words carefully. Our children are observing us as we navigate these challenges, and it’s crucial to model compassion and understanding. When my kids express frustration or sadness during their quarantine, I remind them about the importance of safety and the way germs spread. I often say, “I hope the student who is sick feels better,” to shift the focus away from us and towards empathy.
We’re All Doing Our Best.
After sharing the news with my sisters, one asked if I felt anger towards the parents who attended with their sick child. Initially, I felt a flash of anger, questioning their judgment. But that quickly turned to worry for the sick child and her family. I feared that my children might be scarred from this experience. But I reminded myself that everyone is trying their best. The parent who brought the child likely didn’t intend any harm. We are all juggling countless responsibilities and fears during this unprecedented time. Practicing empathy helps mitigate bitterness and frustration.
You Are Not Alone.
Navigating these uncertain times is challenging, and many parents are grappling with similar dilemmas regarding safety and social-emotional well-being. Recognizing that we are not alone in this struggle brings comfort. Connecting with others can alleviate the anxiety and shame we feel. The tension between allowing our kids to experience childhood and managing risk is shared by many. We are all traversing this icy landscape together, step by step, as we wait for the thaw of better times.
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Summary:
The article explores the emotional turmoil of hosting a birthday party for a child during the pandemic, highlighting feelings of shame and guilt after a guest tested positive for COVID-19. It emphasizes the importance of careful communication, empathy, and connection among parents navigating similar challenges. Ultimately, it serves as a reminder that we are all doing our best to balance risk and childhood experiences during these unprecedented times.