In 1989, I was a 14-year-old with a bookish demeanor and a flat chest. My hair was a frizzy perm, a result of years of brushing it without knowing any better. With braces adorning my teeth and medieval-looking headgear for nighttime, I was about to step into a new high school where I knew absolutely no one.
This tale of the ugly duckling is often expected to culminate in a transformation into a glamorous swan, perhaps a prom date with the most popular boy or a character like Molly Ringwald. However, my journey through the realm of awkwardness has been prolonged and, in retrospect, rather enjoyable. I eventually shed the perm and the braces, and while I did hit puberty, I remained the quintessential nerd. Yes, dates eventually came my way, but I never quite reached the status of the popular girls that everyone admired.
And you know what? That’s perfectly fine. In fact, I wouldn’t change a thing. While other freshman girls—those who had mastered the art of teasing their bangs—were being courted by older boys, I was forming deep friendships with my close-knit circle. While the popular crowd was busy navigating parties and the overwhelming pressure of early experimentation with drugs and alcohol, I enjoyed the luxury of time to grow and develop my interests before facing those challenges.
I immersed myself in family time, devoured countless books, and engaged in laughter-filled moments with friends. I played sports and dedicated myself to my studies. I was genuinely content, free from peer pressure, as I was so far removed from the allure of popularity that I had the space to discover who I truly was.
Now, as my own children approach their tween and teen years, I find myself hoping they too experience a bit of awkwardness. A buffer period before the full force of teenage temptations and pressures strikes them, allowing them to explore quirky interests and share silly jokes instead of succumbing to sexting or partying. Because frankly, stepping into adulthood can be daunting.
I recall a friend who felt the weight of social pressure in eighth grade, wishing her parents had imposed stricter rules. Unlike me, who found solace in my uncool status, she was caught up in a popular crowd. With no protective awkwardness to shield her, and lacking parental boundaries, she ultimately succumbed to peer pressure.
While I can’t guarantee that my kids will be as uncool as I was, I found valuable insights in Lisa Damour’s book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood. Though it primarily addresses teenage girls, the advice applies to boys as well. Damour emphasizes moderation when it comes to parental involvement. If we threaten severe punishments, will our kids really reach out for help in precarious situations? Likely not. Conversely, becoming best friends with our teens and partying with them doesn’t provide the safety net they need.
Instead, Damour suggests that “the safest girls are the ones who can point to their parents’ ‘crazy rules’ to avoid risky behavior.” She encourages a balance—being kind and engaging when friends are around, but firmly maintaining the role of the “boring adult.” This way, kids can deflect peer pressure by claiming their parents would be furious if they engaged in risky behaviors. Whether or not this is accurate, it allows them to save face while steering clear of trouble.
Essentially, as parents, we shouldn’t aim to be the cool ones. It’s a role I’m well-equipped to play! Who would have thought that my awkward teenage years were actually training for this pivotal stage of my life? I’m ready to embrace the teenage years with my children, bringing along my nerdiness.
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In summary, the awkward teen phase can be a blessing in disguise, providing the necessary time and space for self-discovery. While parents may not be able to control their children’s popularity, fostering an environment of safety and support can help them navigate the tricky waters of adolescence.