Parenting is undeniably challenging. After nearly 16 years in this role, I’ve experienced its ups and downs, yet it has never been a straightforward path. Children are in a constant state of flux, often testing your patience, and their behaviors can be unpredictable. Just managing their developmental milestones, dietary requirements, sleep schedules, and educational needs feels overwhelming. On top of that, there’s the emotional burden that comes with being a parent, as you worry about their physical and emotional well-being. And let’s not forget the relentless stream of unsolicited advice from so-called experts and online critics.
Navigating all this can feel like an uphill battle.
In the early days, I turned to parenting books to find clarity, but I eventually stopped. It became clear that much of the parenting guidance available is often misguided. Sure, some techniques work temporarily, but kids quickly adapt, and most of their “challenges” are simply phases they will outgrow, personality traits, or reflections of our family dynamics.
Yet, there is one pivotal question I consistently return to when parenting feels turbulent, a question that helps me regain focus and steer our family back on course: How is our relationship?
What I have learned over these 16 years is that parenting fundamentally revolves around relationships. While discipline holds its place, nothing is truly effective without a strong bond between me and my children. Without that connection, built on love, respect, and trust, any parenting technique is likely to be short-lived.
Often, when my kids begin to push my buttons, it signals an emerging distance between us—not the typical separation that comes with growing up, but an unhealthy gap. I’ve realized that during such times, I need to draw them closer. This distance can tempt me to become more rigid, but I consciously choose to soften my approach. I reaffirm that I am their safe haven and biggest supporter. I strive to maintain an open line of communication filled with love and encouragement. While I am their mother, and not their friend in the traditional sense, I believe that closeness is essential. A mother should be someone they can turn to with their worries, fears, and dreams—someone they can fully trust.
I ask, “How’s our relationship?” whenever my teenager is feeling moody or when my middle child snaps at her younger sibling. I ask this question when my youngest bends the truth. It’s not a replacement for discipline, but rather a precursor and follow-up that emphasizes my commitment to strengthening both their character and our bond. I can guide my teenager through her adolescent struggles much more effectively if she feels connected to me. I can help my middle child navigate her emotions more easily if she knows we are on the same team. I can teach my son the value of honesty more profoundly if he understands the importance of trust in our relationship.
I remind myself that I will always be a parent to these children and that our bond will endure beyond time-outs, screen time skirmishes, and the myriad challenges we face. It’s all too easy to get lost in the daily grind and forget that connection is something that needs nurturing. The relationship I have with my kids is paramount, and it’s crucial to be mindful of it in every interaction.
Of course, that doesn’t mean I never feel the urge to escape or wish for a moment’s peace. Sometimes, preserving a healthy relationship means taking time for myself. However, I remind myself that these breaks are to recharge so that I can bring my best self to our relationship.
Thus far, this approach has yielded incredible results. I genuinely cherish my nearly 16-year-old. My middle daughter recently confided that she always wants to share everything with me, and so far, she has—even the difficult stuff. While I know this openness may not last forever, my hope is that my children will instinctively turn to me when life becomes complicated.
Parenting a child who feels close to you, who shares mutual trust and respect, is significantly easier than navigating a disconnected relationship. Strengthening those bonds requires intentional effort, but the rewards are immeasurable.
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In summary, the essence of effective parenting lies in nurturing the relationship with your children. It requires conscious effort, but the connection formed is invaluable and can significantly ease the challenges of parenting.