I was at the park with a new acquaintance, enjoying a conversation while our kids navigated the playground. Suddenly, my middle child approached me and insisted I hand over the snacks I had prepared. With a calm yet assertive tone, I looked her in the eye and said, “Please ask again respectfully.”
She paused, her demeanor shifting as she realized I wouldn’t comply with her demand. After a moment, she asked sweetly, “May I distribute the snacks, please?” I grinned, gave her a high five, and replied, “Absolutely!” She ran off, juice pouches in one hand and a large bag of veggie chips in the other. I turned back to my friend, who was visibly astonished. “What just happened?” she asked, her eyes wide.
I was puzzled, initially wondering if she disapproved of my snack choices. Instead, she expressed disbelief at how smoothly I had handled the interaction with my daughter. In her experience, her children would throw tantrums over snacks or argue about their flavors.
This reaction is typical. When I mention our parenting approach, known as Empowered to Connect (ETC), I often face skepticism and surprise. It may sound unrealistic, but I assure you that children can indeed communicate respectfully, have their needs met, and families can thrive with minimal conflict.
It took us over a year of commitment, patience, and persistence to instill effective communication habits in our children. I understand the initial skepticism; I felt it too when I first learned about this unique parenting method.
With four children, three of whom are just a few years apart, our home could easily become chaotic. One of our kids has sensory processing disorder, which sometimes leads to intense meltdowns. Additionally, my husband and I have different parenting styles—he tends to offer too many chances, while I lean toward a more stringent approach. This inconsistency left our children confused about expectations and rules.
To restore balance and foster a peaceful environment, we sought out a parenting philosophy that resonated with us. While there are countless parenting books available, none intrigued us quite like ETC, which is grounded in Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI). This approach was designed to assist parents in raising children from difficult backgrounds, particularly those who have faced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), maltreatment, or toxic stress.
As all four of my children were adopted, I recognized that they had experienced trauma when separated from their birth parents. However, ETC isn’t solely for adopted children; the growing awareness of ACEs—such as abuse, neglect, and exposure to violence—underscores its relevance. Alarmingly, nearly half of all children have experienced at least one ACE, which can lead to a range of challenges, including mental health issues, substance abuse, and diminished educational and career opportunities.
ETC serves as a response to the struggles faced by children with ACEs, teaching them they are valued, safe, and capable of expressing their needs. The fundamental principle of ETC is that parents should first connect with their children before addressing behavior. This approach challenges conventional parenting methods, whether you identify as a free-range or helicopter parent.
For instance, we don’t practice time-outs in our home. Instead of isolating a child for having feelings, we focus on understanding and addressing the root of the issue. If a child is dysregulated, we prioritize helping them calm down first. This is what we call a “time-in.” Once they’re settled, we engage at eye level, using a calm tone and gentle touch to discuss what occurred and how to remedy the situation.
ETC does not allow children to act without consequences. It emphasizes giving them a second chance, enabling them to learn from their mistakes while also reinforcing the bond between parent and child. Apologies and natural consequences are part of this process, along with meaningful connections.
You might wonder if this method requires extensive time and energy—yes, it does. But the rewards are substantial. Many parents find themselves frustrated by ineffective discipline strategies, leading to the exhausting cycle of threats and consequences that never seem to stick.
ETC offers clear, consistent parenting guidelines, allowing children to understand what is expected of them. After practicing this approach for several years, I’ve discovered that it brings relief. While I’m far from perfect and things don’t always go smoothly, I’m grateful for the healing power of connective parenting in our family.
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Summary
The Empowered to Connect parenting method has fundamentally changed how my family communicates and interacts. Through patience and practice, we’ve learned to prioritize connection and understanding over traditional discipline, resulting in a more harmonious home life. This approach not only benefits children with adverse experiences but encourages respectful relationships and emotional growth for all.