Breastfeeding can take an emotional toll, as illustrated by a recent experience I had. While driving home after work, I received a message from my partner, Ethan, who was caring for our seven-month-old daughter, Lila. He texted, “How long until you’re home? We have a situation with the milk.” Instantly, my stomach sank, and panic set in. I called him back, demanding to know what he meant.
Ethan had defrosted a bag of frozen breast milk from our chest freezer, but upon warming it, the smell was off. He tried multiple bags, all with the same unpleasant scent. When I got home, I confirmed the milk had soured—an unsettling reality that left me in a daze, contemplating the possible reasons for this mishap. Thankfully, we hadn’t experienced any power outages, nor had I left my milk out before freezing. Ethan noticed my distress and asked if I was alright. I shrugged, struggling to articulate the whirlwind of emotions I felt. In that moment, I realized I was grieving.
I was mourning the loss of approximately 500 ounces—about 20 days’ worth of milk—that I had painstakingly stored over the past six months. Out loud, it sounded trivial. Who grieves over milk? Yet, my sorrow wasn’t solely about the milk itself. I understood that I would feed Lila formula without hesitation if she needed it. Rather, I was reflecting on the countless hours spent pumping in a cold, sterile workroom, the nightly routine of cleaning pump parts and bottles, and the investment in the freezer designated just for milk. The illnesses and personal sacrifices I made were all in the pursuit of keeping my baby nourished and happy.
While I am fortunate to have an oversupply of milk, which allowed me to store so much, this situation comes with its own set of challenges. For instance, after experiencing painful fullness during the night, I developed a clog in my left breast. I tried everything—massaging the lump, using heating pads, and even employing an electric toothbrush. Ultimately, I ended up at the doctor’s office with a diagnosis of mastitis, followed by treatment for a breast abscess.
Throughout this ordeal, I remained committed to nursing Lila, although I constantly worried about our breastfeeding journey and whether it might end due to these complications. The emotional rollercoaster was reminiscent of the feelings I had experienced the previous night.
Shared Struggles
My narrative is not unique. Many of my friends with young children share similar struggles. One friend pumps late into the night to ensure she has enough milk for daycare, while another adheres to a strict diet to manage her baby’s food allergies. Others exclusively pump or face challenges that prevent them from nursing at all despite their best efforts.
We utilize an array of tools—nipple shields, special nursing pillows, and lactation cookies—while enduring the physical and emotional challenges of breastfeeding. We push through the painful early weeks and the exhaustion from sleepless nights, all while concealing the emotional burdens we carry beneath our smiles.
Ultimately, Lila drank the defrosted milk without issue. Thanks to insights from an online community, I learned that I likely have high lipase levels in my milk—a benign condition that can alter its taste. As long as she continues to drink it, we’re in the clear.
Yet, the grief from that night lingers, making me acutely aware of my emotional investment in this breastfeeding journey. I cherish the bond formed through nursing, feeling fortunate to have the ability to breastfeed despite the myriad of challenges that come with it. For other mothers grappling with similar emotional challenges—whether dealing with oversupply, undersupply, or choosing not to nurse—I see you. Your efforts to nurture your child are commendable and valid.
Additional Resources
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Conclusion
In summary, breastfeeding is not merely a physical act; it involves profound emotional investment and challenges that many mothers experience. Understanding and supporting one another in this journey is crucial.