Sometimes, it’s the way he gazes at me during moments of frustration. It’s the feeling I get when I sense he’s being excessively critical of my many perceived flaws. Occasionally, it’s his choice of words, and, honestly, the manner in which he expresses them that drives me to the brink of exasperation. It’s the stress he brings into my life when all I desire is a sense of ease. It’s his enthusiasm while narrating stories that often leaves out key details, leaving me lost in the conversation.
The “he” I’m referring to is my husband, Mark.
I’m certain he has his own list of my habits that irritate him. While I could enumerate a few, the list is extensive, and I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details.
Alright, I’ll share a few because it’s only fair:
- He dislikes when I leave my laundry inside out.
- Speaking of laundry, he wishes I would do it more often.
- He’s not fond of my habit of not rinsing dishes before placing them in the dishwasher.
- He expects me to be better with finances. He’s right about that.
- He would prefer if I were less sensitive and more forgiving.
- He wishes I had an interest in sports, even if it was just for his sake occasionally.
- He hopes I spend more time playing outdoors with the kids.
- He wishes I weren’t so exhausted from Lyme disease.
Some of our frustrations, we voice to one another. Other annoyances we simply acknowledge as part of being married for nearly nine years.
A few years back, the minor irritations began to morph into serious grievances about much larger issues. Our spacious home suddenly felt constricting for the two of us. Despite the physical space, we were stepping on each other’s toes constantly. Resentments, justifiable frustrations, and our diverging paths felt overwhelming. Our communication was virtually non-existent.
Consequently, the gap between us widened, and we found relief in being apart. Yet, as a family, we were denied that space, resulting in increasing tension.
I won’t pretend that having two strong-willed children didn’t complicate the situation between Mark and me. I wonder if it would have made a difference if they were all sweetness and light? I have my doubts.
About two years ago, Mark and I embarked on the journey toward divorce. We progressed quite far down this path, engaging in all the adult formalities: lawyers, contracts, and an abundance of complex legal jargon. I had even decided to purchase a townhouse, making a down payment on a contemporary home that starkly contrasted with our traditional residence—perhaps a subconscious statement on my part.
We engaged in serious discussions about how to inform the kids, how to divide assets, and how to maintain proximity for shared custody. It felt surreal, primarily because it was.
Just two weeks before I was set to move into my new place, and right as we were about to sign the divorce papers, we both paused, experiencing that “holy cow, what are we doing?” revelation.
It took reaching this critical juncture for us to realize that neither of us truly wanted a divorce. Yes, we both desired changes in our marriage, but we weren’t ready to let it go.
One thought kept recurring in my mind as the divorce loomed nearer. Mark is my teammate. He is the person I turn to when I have good news, the one I contact when everything seems to crumble. He’s my go-to when I need someone to lean on.
I couldn’t abandon my team like this.
Marriage demands effort. It’s incredibly challenging. Anyone who claims otherwise likely isn’t married or has a skewed perspective. Two individuals come together, each with unique aspirations, personalities, and quirks, and somehow, it’s expected to mesh seamlessly. Yet, it doesn’t always work that way. Whether it clicks immediately or takes time, it necessitates ongoing communication, mutual respect, and, at times, a significant amount of compromise.
And yes, this effort can be draining. Even now, after we’ve recommitted to one another.
Earlier, I shared some of the things about Mark that can frustrate me. It’s only fair to highlight what made me realize I didn’t want to lose him.
- He consistently makes me laugh.
- He genuinely loves his family and mine.
- He is fiercely loyal to his friends, treating them like brothers.
- I admire his passion for his interests (yes, even sports).
- When I’m down, he doesn’t allow me to stay sad for long.
- He is a wonderful father.
- When given the chance, he’s a great husband.
- He compliments me on my hair, even on bad hair days. (That’s just sweet, right?)
He will always be my person. Every day, we choose to show up for each other, and every day brings its own set of challenges and victories. Some days we function as a cohesive team; other days, we clash over everything. Yet, with each passing day, I recognize a little more that the man I chose as my partner is the one I need right now, and I am committed to being there for him as well.
This article was originally published on Feb. 12, 2018.
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Summary
In this reflective piece, a couple navigates the complexities of marriage, revealing personal frustrations and moments of clarity that lead them to reconsider a divorce. Their journey underscores the challenges of merging lives, the importance of communication, and the realization that love and partnership can prevail despite difficulties.